I know almost nothing about zombies. In fact, I just watched The Walking Dead for the first time last night on dvd. My family put it in just as my blackberry pie came out of the oven. That was some seriously bad timing, by the way. . . . Anyway, as I was saying, I know almost nothing about zombies, but, fortunately, the awesome author and blogger, Jennifer Joseph, is well-prepared to lead us should the speculated zombipocalypse become a reality. She is graciously providing us with this guest blog today to help us avoid becoming Walkers. Thank you, Jennifer!
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Before I begin to school you on how to survive the zombie apocalypse, I want to thank Piper for allowing me to do a piece for her blog. You should thank her, too. Because of her generosity, you will now have a better chance of staying alive once the walkers rise.
Since so many people do not believe that a zombie apocalypse will eventually occur (the fools) I’m going to give advice for the unprepared. Those of you with a backup machete don’t really need my help.
A zombie apocalypse will occur when a viral or blood borne epidemic starts, turning your sweet neighbors into ravenous creatures who thirst for your brains. Depending on the type of outbreak you may or may not have time to collect your loved ones and flee. Let’s be optimistic and say you’ll have the chance to kill that neighbor who always has loud sex with his skanky friends. Below is a list of what you’ll need and where to go should an outbreak happen.
Food & Water:
Forget about Twinkies, canned goods that have pop tops will be your best friend. If you’re eating on the go you can even use the top as a spoon. Bend it and scoop those pork n’ beans. You might be gassy later but that just means you’re alive. Don’t forget about water because soda can only take you so far. You crazy kids out there who have a problem with your foods touching each other better toughen up real quick because believe me, zombies don’t care if your brains are mixed with blood. In fact, they like it that way.
Like your mom always told you, wear layers. If you idolize James Dean now is your time to show him some love. Zombies do not grow special teeth like vampires so jeans and a leather jacket will be the most fashionable and protective gear. Women, you will look way sexier with a large gun than a pair of high heels. Lace up those sneakers and get moving.
If you’re like the average person who doesn’t live in the South or a small town in the middle of nowhere Nebraska, you probably don’t have a gun or any kind of weapon besides the knives in your butcher block. That’s okay. With enough force behind it, a knife will slice through a zombie so start working out more and you’ll be fine. And for goodness sake don’t grab the paring knife. Your best bet is to load up on supplies and get to a gun shop. Don’t forget to stock up on ammo.
Where to Aim:
The head. End of story. Don’t get squeamish or you’re toast. Bloody, gory, gooey, toast. Aim for the head if you have a gun or chop the head off and be done with it. Don’t try to hack away the arms or legs because that will not stop them. Pretend that zombie is the fifth grade bully you never got a good swing at and fire away!
Where To Go:
I don’t care what you’ve seen in the movies DO NOT GO INTO A FARMHOUSE OR SHOPPING MALL! You want someplace with very few exits to cover and ready access to a variety of supplies. I recommend a Wal-Mart Supercenter. There are only a couple of exits in the front and back with plenty of supplies for everyone in the group. If you get bored you can even create your own ‘People of Wal-Mart’ photo shoot.
After you’ve (hopefully) barricaded the front and back entrances of the building be sure to set up alarm systems that will tell you when unwanted rotting visitors have arrived. String empty tin cans behind the barricade and large objects that zombies can’t hop over. As a second line of defense I recommend large cardboard cutouts of Justin Bieber. Zombies will try to eat the cardboard while humans will kick it aside.
Thanks to today’s technology we can find out who is alive by checking their Facebook status or Twitter stream. Your cousin in Arizona hasn’t tweeted in a few days? They’re probably dead. While you’re in Wal-Mart grab an extra charger and you may as well steal an iPad while you’re at it.
If someone in your party is bitten do not under any circumstances have a drawn out goodbye. This is no time for a soliloquy. “What’s that over there?” you ask and then shoot them while they are turned away. It’s best for both of you if you aren’t shooting them between their sad doe eyes while they plead for five more minutes with their loved ones.
Be Prepared To Run:
As previously mentioned, Hollywood studios don’t know much about the impending zombie apocalypse. Zombies may or may not go away in 28 days and they may or may not be able to outrun your lazy couch potato ass. Always keep a go bag near and keep it stocked with the following:
- Extra guns
- First aid kit to include antibiotics and cough drops (Your cough WILL attract zombies)
- Sunscreen (You’d look pretty stupid dying of skin cancer while zombies are roaming around)
- Toothbrush, et al (Hygiene is all that separates us from the zombies. Well, that and lovely conversation. Don’t forget to floss!)
- Swiss army knife
- Extra cell phone and charger
Did I forget something that’s essential to your go bag? Would you go somewhere besides Wal-Mart? Drop your thoughts in the comments!