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The End is Near (and we deserve it). . . . Family Lost in Corn Maze Calls 911

Family lost in Mass. corn maze calls 911 for help

What this story doesn’t mention is that the family was 25 feet from the street.

This is an arial view of the Connors Farm Corn Maze.

It’s seven acres. If you ever find yourself lost in a corn maze, here’s a hint. Corn is planted in rows. Pick a row, and walk out of the field.

Holmes:

First and foremost, I wish to express my deep gratitude to the hundreds of generations of this couple’s ancestors for their many centuries of struggle to survive so that, collectively, they could deliver to us this fascinating couple. I am sure that during the many blizzards, droughts, plagues, and bandit attacks that the ancestors suffered through, they must have asked themselves many times, “Why are we here?” “What is the meaning of life?”

If only they were with us now, or if I were capable of communicating with departed ancestors, I could explain to them that they succeeded. All their many centuries of struggle were not without meaning. Their survival achieved something very important for mankind. They gave us a laugh and a self-writing story to tell.

On the darker side, it appears to me that this 911 Corn Maze Incident is yet another sad example of emergency responders not quite being up to the task. They did, in fact, find the 42-yr-old man, his wife, their 5-yr-old, and their three-week-old baby. But after guiding them out of the maze, they left the poor children with the two morons that couldn’t figure out how to take a short cut through corn stalks. With so many functioning adult couples unable to have children today, there was no need to abandon these children to a life with their obviously dangerous genetic donors.

My prayers go with those babies. My maternal grandmother insisted that each child survives thanks to an invisible guardian angel. Remembering some of my childhood antics, I can see Grandma’s point. These poor kids likely will need an entire platoon of well-trained angels to survive. Let’s hope that those angels stand an alert watch.

While the reports of the incident explain that the Danvers Police Department responded to the call with a K-9 unit, much has gone unmentioned. Let us share with you a little privileged information about this particular crisis.

Although those evil conspirators in the “main stream media” (a.k.a. real reporters with real jobs) aren’t saying it, they know good and well that the rescue of the Corn Maze Cult members involved a massive government effort. You think we’re broke now? Just wait until we pay for this unnatural disaster!

When a helicopter squadron from the Massachusetts Air National Guard was unable to locate the Corn Cult members for the FBI Hostage Rescue Team in the vast, seven-acre wilderness of corn in the impenetrable, high mountains of Massachusetts, they quickly alerted the United States Strategic Command. The Air Force diverted highly sophisticated reconnaissance aircraft from their humdrum, low priority job of monitoring Mideast miscreants and the Chinese Navy in the hopes of locating the cult members. After hours of searching with no positive results, the Army’s 101st Airborne Division dropped ranger tracking teams into the Corn Wilderness. Finally, the CIA, the National Reconnaissance Office and the NSA diverted valuable space assets to the search. Between the CIA’s digital aperture radar satellites, the NRO’s infrared scanning satellites, and the NSA communications eavesdropping satellites, they were able to locate the cult members and the hungry, nap-deprived hostages. We are grateful that the hostages were rescued.

After the Corn Cult’s successful diversion of military resources from the front (pick any front you like), the CIA, MI-6, La Surete Nationale, and 276 Berlusconni prostitutes are cooperating in a massive investigation to determine if the Corn Cult is connected to Al-Qaeda, or run by one of Iran’s dozen and a half intelligence agencies. We’re hoping that the prostitutes will crack the case any moment now.

image from acepilot.com

Historians across the world will now have to begin the daunting task of rewriting the history of World War Two. It turns out that the allies’ struggles in the weeks following D-Day were not due to the thousands of miles of thick, stone walls, thorn bush hedgerows, German mines, tanks and artillery. Of course not. Don’t be silly. The long concealed secret is out now. That row of corn that Hitler demanded Field Marshall Erwin Rommel plant across northern France brought the allied armies to a sudden halt. Curse though he did, General George Patton could not bully his way through that row of corn. Until the weather turned cold, and the corn died, the allies were stuck and couldn’t move. Thank God for cold weather!

Please remember to report any suspicious Corn Maze Activities to the Department of Homeland Defense. Well-funded operators are standing by now for your calls.

Blogs and Articles in No Particular Order

Vicki Hinze is a bestselling, award winning romance novelist and author of 29 published books. Today, she shares how her environment and live events have effected her writing journey. Lessons and the Writer’s Environmental Impact She’s also a really nice lady and a milliner’s dream. Follow her on Twitter and say hello. @VickiHinze

Nicole Basaraba takes us to Sibiu, Romania. Sibiu, Romania: The Capital City of My Heart – Lower Town

Meet the Salesman – Every Deal Needs a Closer. Kristen Lamb tells us about one of the three people you need to know on Twitter.

Is blogging a waste of time? Jami Gold gives us a great reasons to ignore the numbers. What Does It Take to Sell Books?

The man behind Deadliest Warrior had a chat with Ellie Ann today. Interview with Thor, Host of SPIKE’s Deadliest Warrior

My favorite ex-patriot, Emily, tells us about  being Backstage in Borneo – Adventures with Bear Grylls.

Scientists have discovered that Venus has an ozone layer. Venus Springs Ozone Layer Surprise

Giant Spy Blimp Dwarfs an 18-Wheeler

Note the tiny truck beside the massive blimp. Image from wired.com.

10 Ways Americans Waste Money

Study Finds Day Care Rivaling College in Expenses

This is one of my all-time favorite videos with a Rube Goldberg Machine coordinated with the music of Ok, Go!

Any comments on the Corn Maze Cult rescue?

All the best to all of you for finding your way home.

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse


48 thoughts on “ The End is Near (and we deserve it). . . . Family Lost in Corn Maze Calls 911

  1. Oh my gosh. As a farm girl, it boggles my mind how anyone could get lost in a forest–much less a corn maze!!
    Great mash up. And thanks so much for including my interview with Geoff.

  2. Okay, seriously the COOLEST video ever. Where do you find this stuff? Damn you’re awesome.

    I had a good laugh over the corn maze…People stationed throughout to help give directions….traffic audible from the street…freaking walls made of CORN…yeah I can totally see why they needed 911 to save them.

    Angela @ The Bookshelf Muse

    • Hi Angela. So glad you enjoyed the video. Aren’t they awesome? I forgot how often they had to set up that Rube Goldberg machine and film it to get the whole thing that perfect. Glad you enjoyed the blog. Thanks for stopping by.

    • I know. The dog was all over it. Took about a minute to find them start to finish. Ten if you count the drive from the station. Thanks for stopping by.

  3. Just dying laughing. Great job at the satire, Holmes. Those poor kids, stuck with those morons for parents. Thanks for the Friday funny!

  4. OMG – love the video! My step-son is actually in the process of making a Rube Goldberg Machine as an engineering project. LOL! Love how they sync with music. Riot!
    Corn maze mania – love it!

  5. Great video. Holmes brought up the kids needing a platoon to survive the stupidity of the parents, imagine the army of guardians it took to get the parents to breeding age. At least it cuts down on the numbers of unemployed guardian angels. I’m sure a Darwin award is awaiting them in the future.

    I think the other anchor at the end of the visit should have taken the children, after all, he knew the “secret” of the cornfield. Piper & Holmes you are awesome 🙂

    • Lol. I’m glad at least guardian angels are doing well in this economy. Good point about the Darwin award. Thanks for the compliment and for stopping by.

  6. Fabulous post! I must admit that was my favourite news story this week, glad you covered it. You ought to be a news presenter you’d be awesome! Is that corn on the front of that book btw? What a great link :)HAGW

  7. I’m with Holmes. How do people survive? No ingenuity. No pioneer spirit. No figuring out how to make it work on your own. Just “come help me.” I’ve got news: the day will come when help is on the way. In fact, “help is not on the way” is becoming my new favorite horror sub-genre.

    You always give me a laugh on Fridays. 😀

    • I often wonder if they are the stupid ones, or if I am because it takes me so much more wherewithall to get by. As for a horror sub-genre, I wonder if Stephen King was lost in a corn maze when he got the inspiration for Children of the Corn. Thanks for stopping by. Glad we could give you a smile.

  8. This is so funny, Piper–and I actually posted on the same topic today! (I added in the Tiger Woods/hot dog incident too.) The article I read disclosed more details than the video, though. I almost could understand if it was just the mom and kids. Hey, I remember how mushy my brain was when my baby was 3 months old, but it’s just silly when there were posted signs to text message for hints, not to mention the sounds of cars driving by! Puh-lease!

    • Oh, cool. I’ll be sure to check out your blog. And it’s true, with signs everywhere, and a bridge that allowed them to see over the top of the corn, there was just no excuse. Thanks for stopping by.

  9. I’d like to also add on a less funny note, that I know a couple would love the resources of all those government agencies to be rescued from pirates in Somalia. This is very frustrating to know Jo Bloggs can whip up help like this when they are not using their brains. Though of course travelling in a small boat to your rellies in pirated water is also silly. People please stop being silly!

  10. I laughed hard when I first heard the story, then grasped a touch of the horror Holmes notes. Welcome to the end of critical thinking. I just spent some time playing in corn fields this past weekend and they are straight forward in design. If anything these folks could have turned around and backtracked. Oye.

  11. OMG, I love how the female anchor starts chortling when she starts the story. How do they manage to keep straight faces when stupid people make the news? Thanks for the great story, commentary, and mash-up, Piper!

    • Lol. I seem to recall a special class for that over in the journalism department at my university. If there wasn’t, there should have been. Glad you enjoyed it.

  12. “If you ever find yourself lost in a corn maze, here’s a hint. Corn is planted in rows. Pick a row, and walk out of the field.”

    Too freaking hilarious! Holmes was making me laugh so hard I had to stretch out a cramp in my belly.

    Fabulous post. Thanks for the laugh!

  13. OH MY. I grew up on a farm. We grew corn. Us little kids played in the corn rows all the time. That story made me laugh so hard. I wonder if the people were embarrassed! And I love your line. Corn is planted in rows. Pick a row and walk out!! Although I’m wondering if since they had a three week old baby, that maybe they sort of freaked a bit prematurely? (Not to judge, but I would have left the three week old home with Grandma.)

    • They might have been a bit edgier with a 3-wk-old, but there were, after all, signs everywhere with a number to text, and a bridge where they could look over the tops of the corn. Lol. Thanks for stopping by and commenting.

  14. This is why I will not go in a corn maze. I will freak out and call 911. I grew up running through corn fields which feels more manageable than a corn maze. No thanks. AND there’s an OK GO video in here?! Great post 🙂

    • I know. I’m happier in a normal corn field than in a corn maze, too, but the fact that the rows must be finite is always a comfort. Glad you liked the blog. Thanks for stopping by.

  15. The apocalypse is surely upon us when an American family of four is unable to get out of corn. Well, they were from Boston though. And the husband was with them? Somebody revoke his man card. Now.

  16. I have to admit, I have gotten stuck in a corn maze before. The folks warned our family there was a short route that would take an hour and a long route that had taken people up to seven hours. Of course, we had to take the long route.

    FIVE hours later, we had had enough. It was 85 degrees, we were thirsty, and I had to take a wicked piss.

    We started screaming for help. Embarrassing but true.

    We, too, had to be escorted out of the maze. But we did not think to call 911.

    Honestly, I wish we had.

    I will never, ever go in another corn maze unless I can see over the top of the corn. It was positively freaky.

    • Five hours of corn maze sounds pretty excessive. I can see why you would be in a hurry to get out. That must have been a very large corn field.

      These folks at least had signs everywhere giving them a number to text, and a tall bridge that allowed them to see over the top of the field. Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your experience. Always good to see you, Renee.

  17. Forget the emergency rescue; I can’t get past the stupidity of this couple taking a three-week-old and a preschooler into a 7-acre corn maze. My kids were screaming bloody murder at that age by the time I pushed them down the maze of all the grocery store aisles. By the way, not once did I call 9-1-1 for reinforcements in the cereal aisle. I’m a survivor.

    • Lol. You are a survivor. I’ve had screaming kids in a grocery store, and that is a genuine crisis. At those moments, I would have been happy for them to be lost in a corn maze for about ten minutes. You go, girl! Thanks for stopping by, Julie.

  18. My dad totally ditched me in a corn maze when I was young. I survived and I’m now well on my way to designing a zombie apocalypse antidote. I’ll tell you all about it, if you’ll just into this corn maze with me…

  19. on ,
    Nigel Blackwell said:


    Corny and amazing.
    These people are probably the sort that wear “No Fear” t-shirts and call off a trip to the mall when it’s raining. Thinking of malls, I guess we can hope that they forget where they parked and die of starvation in the car park after 39 loops round its outer fringes (missing the endless supply of fast food joints because of their impaired navigation skills).
    I have to hand it to you Holmes, the potential re-write to history and literature could be devastating. WW1 alone will be an enormous task. I can see it now, “In Flanders Cornfields,” “Goodbye to All That Corn,” and the classic “All Quiet on the Western Cornfield.” Sigh. Might just as well sell off my old copies now.
    Thanks, a good laugh for the weekend.
    Cheers

    • on ,
      J H said:


      Hi Nigel. You are a step ahead of me. I had not yet even considered the implications for WW 1. Thank you.

    • Lmao. Nigel, you’re a hoot. I’ll be you’re spot on with those t-shirts. And I heard suicide is up among WWI historians since this story broke. 🙂 Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting.

  20. Pingback: Sharing is Caring: My Weekly Finds | Barbara McDowell's Blog

  21. Thanks for the shout out Piper!

    Based on the looks of the spy blimpage- type thing I expect a lot more UFO sitings reported. Hopefully it`s white color blends in to every background or else it might not be much use.

    • Lol. I’ll bet you’re right about the UFO sightings. My first thought was that it’s so big, I’m not sure how anyone will miss it. Sort of like a stealth elephant. But I really don’t know the reasoning behind it so I leave such matters to Holmes. Thanks for stopping by, Emily. 🙂

  22. LMAO! SNL made fun of this family on weekend update. I laugh, but would my claustrophobic self have done the same thing? Maybe I shouldn’t laugh….

    I need to check out Vicki’s books!

    • Darn. I’m sorry I missed that. I was pretty tired that night.

      Be sure to say hi to Vicki on twitter, too. She’s super nice. I met her through James Rollins. They are friends. Thanks for stopping by.

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