Don't stall. Don't commiserate. Pray boldly. The battle is still in front of you.

Two Lies and a Truth – Come On. Fess Up.

By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes

You may have heard of the Truth or Lie Game. If not, check out Leanne Shirtliffe’s blog. She’s the Superblogger we stole borrowed this idea from. We highly recommend her seriously funny blog about the ups and downs of parenting twins.

Usually in this game, people give you three choices. Two are truth, and one is a lie. The goal is to figure out which is the lie, and then to leave two truths and a lie of your own in the comments.

Since Holmes and I have more fun telling lies than truths, we’ve turned that around. Below, each category has two lies and one truth. Tell us which ones you think are true, and then give us two lies and a truth of your own. 🙂

Holmes:

  1. Holmes once underwent brutal elite Golf Force training with Tiger Woods in which they spent a Hell Week together at the Augusta Country Club Golf Course. However, Tiger now denies their association, saying he only gave Holmes “a walk and talk tour” of the Country Club parking lot.
  2. Holmes once told an off-color nun joke to Ronald Reagan. Reagan laughed, but discreetly.
  3. Holmes traveled in an Eastern European Circus troupe for several years during the Cold War disguised as a bearded lady until his cover was blown when he was caught urinating (standing up) on the German Stasi headquarters and had to make a quick getaway.

Bayard:

  1. When Piper was sixteen, her family sent her to Austria to join a convent where she trained with an order of nuns that specialized in silent prayer. They kicked her out because she wouldn’t quit dancing and singing show tunes from The Sound of Music.
  2. Before Piper became a belly dancer, she operated a dude ranch in Central Park, Manhattan. Her ranch was raided when an overzealous wannabe cop overheard her talking about her “stable” and the horses for rent, and they mistakenly reported her to the police for illicit activities.
  3. Piper once loudly dressed down a well-armed member of Delta Force in a dark parking lot at a Denny’s in Texas, telling him to “Knock it the f*** off.” (Holmes broke it up. Neither Holmes, Piper, nor any Delta Force members were harmed in the course of the engagement.)

Bayard & Holmes:

  1. Piper and Holmes did the running of the bulls in Pamplona, but they were able to stroll along the course because the bulls were afraid to get close to them.
  2. Piper and Holmes once raced together in the Tour de France, but before they crossed the finish line, they decided they both looked ridiculous in bicycle shorts and instead sold the racing bikes and took their families on a canal tour of Amsterdam.
  3. Holmes once dissuaded Piper from writing “Are you as dirty as I am?” in the dust on an antique vase in a major art museum.

Now it’s your turn. What are your two lies and one truth?

On a slightly different topic, it’s true that Piper is guest posting today over at Nicole Basaraba’s Uni-Verse-City. It’s one of her rare posts about writing. Everything I Need to Know about Writing Sci Fi I Learned from Star Trek.

All the best to all of you for a week of fun lies and appropriate truths.

 


53 thoughts on “ Two Lies and a Truth – Come On. Fess Up.

  1. This is a scream. Okay. Two lies and one truth.

    1. I did time in a federal pen for manufacturing whiskey.

    2. I have graduated both from the GED program and from college with a four-year degree.

    3. I lived homeless for a year in Hollywood while I pursued my dream of becoming the next Julia Roberts.

    Those were hard, Piper & Holmes! Great fun. I should do this on my blog.

    • Wow, Catie. You’re a dynamic enough individual that all three of these could be true, but I’ll take a stab at it.

      You would have had to have one heck of a bootleg whiskey operation to have done time in the federal pen. I’m saying that because it seems like all kinds of folks are making their own liquor these days. So I’m going to say that #1 is a lie. As for #3, considering the kinds of literature and movies you like, I’d think you’d more likely dream of becoming the next Kathy Bates in the remake of Misery. So I’m going to go out on a limb here and say #2 is the truth.

      Am I right?

      • You’re right.

        I did terrible in high school and got a GED. When I went to college, however, I did really well. I graduated summa cum laude. I made one friggin’ B. Which shows me I should have just tried harder in high school. LOL

        Great guess, BTW. Very intuitive. 😀

    • on ,
      J Holmes said:


      Actually Julia Roberts told me that she lived homeless for a year in Beverly Hills with Nick Nolte until she gave up on trying to be as cool as you and accepted herself as a mediocre actress. I knew it had to be number two. I could see you not being too entertained by the lameness of most HS classes.

      • What a nice thing to say! And you’re right. I found high school less than entertaining. Looking back on it, I should have paid more attention. Some of the stuff that went on was pretty funny. 😀

  2. YIKES! The hard part. Deciding which of these is the truth. Okay. Here goes.
    HOLMES: #2, PIPER: #3, PIPER & HOLMES: #3

    My two lies and one truth:

    1. A good looking dude in cowboy hat and jeans approached me at Billy Bob’s with his come-on line, “You haven’t been ridden until you’ve been ridden by a Ft Worth Cowboy,” ME: “You ride the rodeo circuit? CB: “Sure do.” ME: “No, thanks, then. I hear your dismounts are quick and rough.”
    2. Standing in front of the minister during my marriage ceremony, I refused to repeat the vows as prompted. He kept repeating love, honor and obey. I kept responding love and honor…
    3. A vice cop once approached me at a bar (erk! another bar story) during a game of liar’s poker with one dollar bills. Before he identified himself, he warned me gambling was illegal. I told him to get lost. He then identified himself. I told him to get lost.

    • Is that Billy Bob’s as in the Largest Honky Tonk in the world? LOVED that place in Fort Worth! Only town men in 10 gallon hats decorate the sidewalks and pet pigs roam the stores. I have a wild photo of me riding a bull there…mechanical that is
      Ok, your lie is….#3?

      • Yes, Donna, THE Billy Bobs — with a dance floor that is (IMHO) far too small. At least that’s my excuse for dancing any old where I please.

        I’ve had my pic taken on that bull, too. Twice. FUN pix, aren’t they?

        Oh, and see below for my truth. It’s the vice-officer story. That one is true.

    • We’ll reveal our truths when the comments are wrapping up.

      As for yours…. I’m leaning toward #2 as your truth because I can’t see the word “obey” sitting too well with you. However, I’m also suspecting you have a fondness for cowboys and bars so I’m going to consult with Holmes on this one. 🙂

      • #1 HALF TRUTH: The Billy Bob’s come-on line is true. My response is not. As I recall, I choked on my wine and spewed some on him. Bummer. I did have a penchant for cowoys — with better lines.

        #2 HALF TRUTH You’re right. The word “obey” did not cross my lips during the wedding vows. However, I took care of that up front. Why would I vow to do something I didn’t intend to do?

        Number 3 is the truth. I have the greatest respect for the police (Heck! I married one.) However, what over-zealous vice officer is going to haul in a group of four people playing liar’s poker with one dollar bills? And, he disappeared when I asked for his ID.

    • on ,
      J Holmes said:


      Hi Gloria. You should have warned the minister up front.

  3. This is a hoot! Holmes #1 is a lie Bayard # 1 is a lie Bayard/Holmes (tough one!) #2 is a lie

    My two lies and one truth:
    1. I once did the Time Warp naked on a beach with 5 guys
    2. I trained as a photographer in the US Navy and worked in Intelligence processing enemy camp photos
    3. I got chased by security at Versailles in France for sneaking in.

  4. 1) I listen to everything the President says and believe him.
    2) The Pope e-mails me for advice.
    3) Piper and Holmes are my go-to source for the straight skinny.

  5. Two lies and one truth…

    I once fell off a roof, smashing my neighbor’s lawn chair as I was trying to sneak out.

    I once snuck into my brother’s room and bit into a piece of candy he had next to his bed: an ammonia capsule.

    I once thought it would be really cool riding on the hood of a car until I fell off and dislocated my knee.

  6. on ,
    Cora said:


    Way back when I was a math teacher, I used to play this with my students. Of course, your truths and lies are a bit more entertaining than 10th grade Geometry!

    Mine:
    1.The best birthday present I received this year was a lawn chair, from my mother.
    2.Of all the places I’ve visited, my favorite is the NYC subway.
    3.My life would be complete if I could have *just one more* pet

  7. Holmes #2, Bayard #3, together #3.

    Mine:
    1. I sang in the opera “Aida.”
    2. I got past local qualifying for American Idol.
    3. I sang “Heartbreak Hotel” dressed as Elvis at my 30 year high school class reunion.

    • I think you’re messing with us, David, and the truth is that you dressed as Pavarotti and sang “Heartbreak Hotel” in an American Idol audition. Careful trying to fool a bellydancer and a spook. 🙂

    • on ,
      J Holmes said:


      I have been told that you are a skilled singer so I am going with number three.

  8. on ,
    EllieAnn said:


    Haha! These are so entertaining. Love your stories. I guess Holmes #2, Piper #3, and both #3.
    Mine:
    #1. I dress up like Batman and take guided tours of the caves, frequently interrupting the tour guides when they spout misinformation.
    #2. While playing my first basketball game in 8 grade, I dribbled the ball to the wrong hoop and made 2 pts for the wrong team.
    #3: i plan on joining the circus this fall, as a mime.

    • Lol. I’m sure you’re capable of doing all of these, but I’m going with #2 as you truth because I don’t think your three kids would cooperate with #1 or #3. 🙂

    • on ,
      J Holmes said:


      Hi Ellie. You’re not the natural lier type. Don’t fel bad. As unlikely as it sounds you CAN get through life without that particular skill. It’s been proven a time or two.

  9. Lets’ see…I’m gonna go with #2, #3, and #3 respectively as Truths. Hilarious by the way! Here’s mine, hope they’re not too silly;

    #1 I once dressed as Xena: Warrior Princess, complete with horse and armor, and Punk’d an unsuspecting friend while camping who peed her pants in shock.
    #2. I once sung and danced to the Time Warp for an audience of old German geezers at a local Oktoberfest. It was pretty “Affengeil.”
    #3. While visiting the Abraham Lincoln legal offices in Springfield, I surreptitiously took one of the pine cones out of a display. I still have it.

    • on ,
      J Holmes said:


      That’ a tough set. You are good at this. Enjoy the pine cone. The Park Service police are bringing their swat team to your door as we speak. Just put the gun down and step away from the pine cone!

  10. I’ve played this game quite a few times. I don’t think I can use some of the regulars that I use with a few close friends since this is, well, you know, the INTERNET. This could get back to my parents or my pastor. LOL. I’ll give it a shot, though. Y’all had some great ones up there and set the bar high!

    1. Wanting to try something completely different after college, I shoved all of my belongings into a small Toyota and moved to a state I’d never been to with no job and only a hotel reservation.

    2. I tried out and was offered the role of Lola in the Damn Yankees production at a local theater, but I had to turn it down when I realized my pregnancy bulge would be obvious by showtime. (Not exactly the Lola people would expect.)

    3. Having always wanted to try bellydancing, I bought a circle skirt and a DVD and then plastered pictures of Piper in my bedroom for inspiration. It’s my hope that one day I can dance with her and not completely embarrass us both.

      • #3 – Lie. I haven’t bought the circle skirt yet.
        #2 – Lie. Though I do a heck of a rendition of “Whatever Lola Wants” on demand.
        #1 – Truth. And 3 weeks later, I had an apartment, a job, and had met my future husband.

        P.S. The babies are fine, Holmes. Thanks for asking. 🙂

    • Lol. No one who has the joy in their heart to dance is an embarrassment to anyone. 🙂 Come to the DFW Conference next month, and we’ll get our hip groove on.

  11. Alright my 2 lies & a truth, here we go:
    1. I tried out as a TV extra for One Tree Hill, but was turned down for the part.
    2. I once dated a guy who was convicted of attempted murder.
    3. I accidentally caught a fence on fire behind my apartment complex while we were in college, the fire department had to be called to put out the very tiny fire.

  12. on ,
    J Holmes said:


    Be more careful with that Hibachi. You could have killed someone!

  13. on ,
    Melissa said:


    Two lies and a truth:
    1. I am banned for life at Harry’s Bar in Venice.
    2. I was a movie extra in college and still get calls from friends when a certain film plays on cable.
    3. I can say “Who let the dogs out” in 12 languages.

  14. Okay, this is officially the hardest ‘spot the truth’ I’ve ever seen. I’ll go with…the tiger woods parking lot tour, the verbal Delta Force bitch slap and…the walking with the bulls. Do I win a cupcake? A piece of bacon? 🙂

    Here’s mine:

    –I once accidentially locked one neighbor out of her house, flooded another neighbor’s yard & let a feral cat into a third neighbor’s house.

    –I once was chased down a set of icy stairs and into a carport by someone’s pet buffalo while on a service call for computer home support.

    –I once toilet papered & watered my french teacher’s car at -40, rigged his doorbell to chime remotely and subsequently was chased by him down the street as he brandished a fire poker.

  15. on ,
    Dave said:


    Piper & Holmes…I’ll go with #3, #2, #2. I can see Holmes finding a way to rain on the Stasi parade and the last two fit with your quests to find enterprising opportunities wherever you can.

    Here are mine…let’s see how you do.

    1. I won $23,000 in a single pull at slots in Las Vegas and left town the next day, having lost it all demonstrating my ability to beat slots in Vegas.

    2. I lived off of ramen noodles, pudding and the kindness of friends for a year while sleeping in the back of my truck, putting 36,000 miles on it, and contributing nothing useful to society for a year.

    3. I lost all my clothes playing poker and had to run around the outside of the hotel without even my shoes to get my keys back so I could get into my room.

  16. Ha. I’m guessing that Holmes did tell jokes to Ronnie, but he was nun too pleased. And I’m hoping that you both did take part in the Tour de France with the hope that scouring the internet will turn up pictures (complete with clingy lycro-spandex-only-cyclists-wear-them shorts).

    Two lies and a truth? Humm.

    1) Well, I don’t lie.
    2) When I do lie, I lie well.
    3) In a well, I would lie.

    Cheers!

  17. Ha! This is great! I’d love to hear the full transcript of you dressing down the Delta Force member! And what joke did Holmes tell Ronald? Those are my guesses and now:

    1. I’ve been attacked by a wolf and lived to tell the tale. He knocked me backward, lunged for my throat and grabbed my shirt collar instead.

    2. I used to compete in horse vaulting, until a bad fall ended my budding career.

    3. I once helped neighbors find grandpa’s long-lost family fortune by having a chat with grandpa’s ghost.

    • Oh, wow! Sounds like quite an accident. I’ve taken a few spills from horses in my day, and they aren’t fun. 🙂

        • Lol. So glad it was just your pinkie. I’ve landed in plenty of stickers and had my pinky toe broken when I got stepped on. I’ve always thought horse vaulting is amazing, though. Aside from just messing around, I’ve never tried it, though. Glad your broken finger healed well enough for you to type comments. 🙂

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