Favorite weapon? The older I get, the more I like Cruise Missiles.

Camp Cheerful Summer Camp for Adults

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

Inspired by the HAMAS and UN Summer Camps in Gaza, we here at Bayard & Holmes are asking, “Why should Palestinians have all the fun? For that matter, why should kids have all the fun?”

Summer should be a time for fun and relaxation for everyone. There are always a few folks around, though, who will do their best to prevent any fun or relaxation from occurring. It’s those people we had in mind when we conceived the idea of Camp Cheerful.

Situated in a Caribbean location of incomparable beauty and perfect climatic ambiance at the eastern tip of Cuba, with swimming and diving opportunities in Guantanamo Bay, Camp Cheerful is the perfect getaway for those fun-challenged individuals in your life.

So stop for a moment and think. Who has taken a head start on ruining your summer? Is it a hard-drinking relative? A thoughtless, annoying neighbor with three barking dogs and teenagers who party until two a.m.? Perhaps there’s someone in your professional life who doesn’t even wait until summer to spread the agony of her own miserable existence, insisting on sharing the “joy” with everyone around her. Camp Cheerful is just the place to send them to ensure happiness this summer (for you).

All campers will be cheerfully greeted by our Certified Happiness Specialists. We’ve recruited some of the finest soldiers and marines with experience in great vacation resorts like Afghanistan, Iraq, Somalia, the Balkans, and East Los Angeles. These healthy and enthusiastic men and women are well prepared to assist our campers in achieving life-altering experiences.

For your summer enjoyment, all campers’ activities will be live-streamed on the Internet. Our Certified Happiness Specialists have prepared several thrilling activities guaranteed to keep our campers busy all summer long. We’ve updated some of the more traditional, boring summer camp activities to make them far more interesting, and we’ve created a few completely original activities, as well.

After enjoying a morning of rigorous exercise and fasting, the campers will be treated to a thrilling round of bobbing for apples. To make this game a little easier for tired campers, we’ve attached a five pound diving weight to each apple, allowing the apple to settle conveniently at the bottom of the five foot barrel. Our loving camp staff will assist each camper in entering the barrel after securing their wrists with the lanyards the campers wove themselves in arts & crafts class. What could be more cheer-inducing and fulfilling than using their own handiwork in such a practical application?

Many children have memories of the humiliation caused by their failure to ever hit the target on the archery range in summer camp. To avoid that emotional distress, our campers will reverse roles and will act as targets as our staff demonstrates proper archery technique. For safety, each arrow tip will be replaced with steel blunts, and campers will be required to remove all eye wear.

And what summer camp would be complete without a broad array of aquatic activities? Like any good summer camp, we stress safety first. Campers will learn important water survival techniques, such as how to use chicken blood on their swimming trunks as a shark repellant, how to safely tread water for four hours over sharp coral reefs, and how to spend a long day of swimming in the bright Caribbean sun without relying on the crutch of sunscreen. And don’t worry. No life vests allowed!

After a scrumptious lunch of cold gruel and a thirst-quenching draught of water from the local sacred spring of Baca Podrida (translation “Rotting Cow”), the staff will choose the Distinguished Camper of the Day, who will then serve as the star in a thrilling round of Pin the Tail on the Jackass. Given the larger size of some of the campers’ rear ends, the players will be allowed to use nail guns, rather than thumb tacks, to ensure the firm placement of the tails.

Most campers look forward to horseback riding as part of their summer camp activities. In spite of the lack of horses in Guantanamo, we have no intention of disappointing our campers. So we’ll be saddling up the campers for competitive steeplechase exercises. To help encourage those young foals to do their best in clearing those quicksand bogs and barbed wire fences, the “horse” that finishes last will be subjected to an extra round of Pin the Tail on the Jackass.

During our evening campfire time, campers will learn thrilling new songs that they will likely remember the rest of their lives. We’ve contracted with some of the world’s leading songwriters (us) to come up with unique songs that our campers will cherish for a lifetime. A Hundred Broken Bottles of Beer On My Head; Row, Row, Row Your Boat Across the River Styx; I Wanna Go Home (But They’ll Kill Me If I Try), and the trademark Camp Cheerful Song, If You’re Happy When You Suffer, Clap Your Hands.

Please notify us now of who you’re intending to send to Camp Cheerful this year, and we will reserve our special 3’ x 7’ dog kennels luxury suites for their vacation pleasure. Enroll your camper today!

Who would you like to send to Camp Cheerful this year and why?

35 thoughts on “ Camp Cheerful Summer Camp for Adults

    • Actually, an hourly plan is a good idea. We’ll consult with some Tijuana hookers and get their tips on such limited time intervals. 🙂

  1. SIGN ME UP! Hahaha! I can’t wait to have some of that gruel and rotting cow juice.
    Too funny! 🙂

    • We can certainly work something out. Would you like to enhance their experience by having them all tethered together at the ankles? 🙂

  2. This sounds fascinating. I’ll keep it in mind while planning something for those “special” people in my life! Do you offer other international tours? Perhaps something with a “plagues of ancient Egypt” theme? I thought flies and frogs and seeping boils might be nice for a couple folks I know.

    • Well, we do have our Club Penitentiary program that provides recidivist felons with extended vacations to the Axis of Evil country of their choosing. But I like that Plagues of Ancient Egypt Tourism idea. I’ll have a chat with Holmes and we’ll see what we can come up with. As ever, we view your problems as our opportunities. 🙂

  3. With the way the twins have been behaving lately, I may just sign myself up and get away for some relaxing summer fun. Those steeple chases seem like they’d help me keep a lean pregnancy figure.

  4. on ,
    tomwisk said:

    When will openings be posted? I have several happy campers for a full summer session. Starting with apartchniks on both sides of our quadennial follies. Maybe a summer of happiness and joy will convince them that they are not running for the job and comments aired publically about the opposition is not only in bad taste but it sets a bad example.

  5. If I can’t think of anyone to send, I’m pretty sure that means I’m the debbie downer in my life. Sigh. Can I at least get a discount for admitting my problem?

    • Absolutely! People who admit their problem also get a free pass on the Pin the Tail on the Jackass game because admitting you’re the jackass is the first step to not being the jackass. 🙂

  6. on ,
    August McLaughlin said:

    Hmmm…. Angry, arguing politians come to mind. Perhaps we could swap debates out for Camp Cheerful. Or make the camp a campaign prerequisite. 😉 Fun post!

    • As a matter of fact, we have some special activities for political candidates that involve cactus and hunting trips with Dick Cheney. 🙂

  7. Piper, I’ll happily wrestle sharks if it’ll get me out of yet another meeting at work 🙂

    If you really want to torture the kids, send them to a company team building excercise, where they will learn about synergy and strategising goals 😀

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