Plan twice, shoot once.

The Romance Doctors–Poolside Hussy Defense

By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes

As a Belly Dancer and a Spook, we represent classic romantic archetypes. Therefore, we are qualified to assist with all of your romance needs.

With the month of romance upon us, Valentine’s Day is looming closer, along with all of its romantic pressures. We here at Bayard & Holmes have set aside a negligible portion of our biting sarcasm to devote ourselves to solving your romantic issues.

What to get for the lady or man for Valentine’s Day? How to pop the big question? How to get your mother off your back about how she didn’t walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death to give birth to you to not see you married? No worries, dear readers, we have answers for each of your questions and dilemmas. Let’s see what’s on your minds this week.

Ellie Ann wants to know what to do about a poolside hussy.

Bennett Sisters boxing Library of Congress

Bennett Sisters, image from Library of Congress

Say I’m at the pool with my hot husband, and a bikini-clad hussy starts staring at him (sure, whatever) but then bends down right in front of him several times (NOT okay). How can I tell her he’s off limits short of a she-bear clawing fight?

Bayard:

Really, Ellie, there’s no need for overt violence, and I’m a bit shocked that you would suggest such a thing. That is illegal, after all. An accidental assault is far more appropriate. While she’s bent over, stand up with your large pool bag and “accidentally” boot her hussy butt into the pool. Remember, plausible deniability is paramount in these situations.

Holmes:

Ellie, assuming he woke up with you this morning, he already answered her. He rejected her in favor of you. Smart man.

But, dear friend, I can’t help myself. Embrace your inner weasel. “Ass Clown” has placed herself in an interesting ethical position. Short of assault, she deserves whatever she gets. Opportunities for fun should not always be ignored.

There are thousands of ways to deal with her without going to jail or answering any civil suits. If your husband agrees, you could simply speak about her derisively as if she wasn’t there. The conversation could include words like “lonely slut” or “desperate whore” or “I wonder how many diseases she has.” If you wanted to be a tad more subtle, he could say, “Wow, if her butt was any bigger she would block out the sun.” Or, depending on the size of her butt, “That’s the ugliest boney butt I’ve ever seen on a human.”

Then you could admonish him with something like, “Sweetie, don’t pick on her. It’s not her fault that she was born like that.”

A water pistol with some nice dye in it might be fun, too. If she’s wearing a dark bikini some white dye would create a charming effect.

We should do no harm to innocents. She’s not innocent so have at it.

We don’t just help happy couples find each other and stay happy, we advise authors about the romances in their books. Texanne is wondering how patient her character should be.

How long does the secondary heroine have to wait after the rotten wife of the tertiary hero leaves him before she makes her move, and what kind of move would be communicative yet leave some room for saving face if it doesn’t work out?

Bayard:

If she’s anything like a college “friend” of mine, approximately 18 minutes, which is how long it took her to drive across town to my newly-ex-boyfriend’s place when I told her I’d split with him.

As for a move? Asking a man about his interests and hobbies, such as his passion for the Civil War, and feigning interest while flaunting a perky, aerobicized butt is a tried and true method. The worst that happens is that he continues to have more interest in General Grant than in her charms.

Holmes:

Her timing needs to be consistent with her character and fit the plot. If not, then you need to explain a new facet of her character and bend your plot.

As far as “how” she gets his attention, I recommend that she put on a skimpy bikini and bend over in front of him three times at the local pool. Just have her watch out for women with water pistols. If you want something more subtle, she could invite him over for lunch, and, depending on how lunch goes, she could progress from there.

Poolside Hussy Sergio Savaman Savarese wikimedia

image by Sergio Savaman Savarese, wikimedia commons

Good luck, everyone, and keep your water pistols handy!

What are your questions for The Romance Doctors? We are here to serve you. And remember, no question is out of bounds, but our answers might be.

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©2013 Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes. All content on this page is protected by copyright. If you would like to use any part of this, please contact us at the above links to request permission.


15 thoughts on “ The Romance Doctors–Poolside Hussy Defense

  1. LOL! I’m sure Ellie Ann can get her children to wield some wicked water pistols. But go for her hair first; those types always have immaculately-arranged “big hair” that they never want to get wet. 😉

    • on ,
      Jay Holmes said:


      Oh that’s quite good KB. As English professor types go you are reassuringly devious. We might have to work you into our next book as an articulate assassin English Lit. professor. You’d have a lovely tea service set on a tasteful antique walnut table with a lovely hand made lace cloth in your office.

      As fear and panic infected the minds of the faculty after a few bodies were discovered on campus everyone would turn to dear relaible Professor Owen for reassurance.

      • The academic world has more skullduggery in it than you might think, Jay; lots of backstabbing and jockeying for position in order to grab that brass ring of tenure. Then there’s the violent literature we make it our lives’ work to study – who knows how that affects our poor fevered brains? Haha, folks worry about violent videogames…they should read Titus Andronicus or Greek mythology.

        How did you know about my tea service? 😉

  2. I doubt you need 18 minutes nowadays. Back when I was in college (and I think we’re fairly close in age, Piper), there were no cell phones so you had to drive that distance. Now you can just text a picture of yourself to the recently-free target…perhaps a pic of yourself bending over at a pool. If it doesn’t go over, you can claim you meant to send it to someone else. Sure, it puts your reputation in jeopardy, but who are we kidding? A gal who jumps on another guy less than 18 minutes post-break-up isn’t all about reputation.

    Whew, I’m so glad I’m 20-years-married, so done with that. My big dilemma for Valentine’s? Milk or dark chocolate.

    • on ,
      Jay Holmes said:


      Hi Julie. I’m hoping that you and hubby manage something more satisfying than chocolate for Valentine’s day. But chocolate is a reasonable accessory.

  3. Piper, I have to agree with Holmes on his solutions. One point, skimpy bikinis are scarce around me but I keep hoping.

    • on ,
      Jay Holmes said:


      Hi tomwisk. I can’t remember which day it was but at some point in my long life I started becoming a touch embarassed by young women wearing too little clothing around me. Old lechers never die, we simply fade into a state of mild discomforture.

  4. Another not so-subtle option to deal with poolside hussy is for both man and wife to give her the ring finger at the same time when she looks over at him again.

    • on ,
      Jay Holmes said:


      Hi Nicole. That might work but it might also confuse her. She might take it as an invitation to enter a complicated relationship.

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