Every situation is improved by the introduction of chocolate.

Breaking News: US Government WMD Scandal!

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

Sadly, as the world focused on WMD threats from North Korea, Bayard & Holmes uncovered information about a shocking WMD program right here in the US. On April 1, 2013, unnamed sources tipped us off to a brewing scandal in Washington D.C. that will make Watergate seem like a playground squabble. With hints at the program airing in the media, we feel it is now ethically acceptable to share the story with you.

image public domain

image public domain

In 2009, when North Korea successfully detonated a nuclear weapon in violation of aid agreements with the US and the international community, US President Barack Obama summoned the DOE, DOD, and CIA to the White House for a secret meeting to discuss strategies to remove North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il from power. Within weeks, those agencies agreed to a new WMD program to be funded and developed under DOE management and deployed against North Korea.

You may have noticed a seemingly unrelated, but surprisingly critical, news story developing in New Jersey this past week. Yes, New Jersey. That state so famous for organized crime and illegal toxic waste activities. As the Rutgers University basketball coach disgrace unfolds, the general public is expressing the opinion that something smells rotten in Newark. For those of you who have not followed the story, Rutgers University fired Basketball Coach Mike Rice last week after video footage of him repeatedly abusing Rutgers student athletes went viral.

Some of the drama at Rutgers can’t be explained by the information that has thus far come out of university administrators. For one thing, Rice was hired in . . . you guessed it . . . 2010, just as the DOE and DOD were ramping up development of the newly authorized WMD system.

On the surface, we could dismiss this as meaningless coincidence. But the biggest problem with university administrators’ statements is the fact that we now have confirmation that they knew about Rice’s anger issues for two years. No renowned institution of learning could possibly accept and cover up a continuing series of felonies committed against their students for two years, right? If only the tragedy were that limited in scope.

Unfortunately, a deeper, more terrifying explanation is surfacing. In 2009, President Obama requested from the CIA a detailed personality analysis of then North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il. Within an hour, that agency delivered a report explaining that Kim Jong Il had too few functioning brain cells to warrant a personality profile.

That bit of information struck a chord with President Obama. When he thought back to his carefree high school days in Hawaii, he remembered his basketball games. He recalled how his athletically challenged pal, Wally Waltzenzanger, seemed to lose more and more brain cells each time he suffered another “basketball to the head” injury on the court. By the end of the summer, in spite of Wally’s passion for basketball, Obama and his friends refused to allow Wally in any more of their games for fear that he would lose his life with one more blow to the head. As conciliation, they insisted that Wally play the role of “journalist” and write up the games for the high school newspaper. Wally’s pieces lacked any realism or accuracy, so they never made it to the high school press. Eventually, Wally pursued a brilliant career with the Washington Post, but that’s a catastrophic story for another day.

Thanks to the president’s creative thinking, Wally’s pain and humiliation were not wasted. Obama reasoned that, given Kim Jong Il’s scarcity of functioning brain cells and his obvious state of delusion, one good, old-fashioned American “basketball to the head” attack might finish him off, opening the way to a younger, less delusional North Korean leader. Given the president’s reasonable intentions, we can understand why he authorized the development of the Weapon of Mass Delusion program.

When the DOE brought its $13 million cost estimate to the president it seemed like a dream come true. Obama did the mental math and calculated that even with the routine 300% cost over-runs, the DOE could deliver a highly lethal Weapon of Mass Delusion for the staggeringly low cost of $39 million dollars. What other WMD could the US produce in two years at that price?

When Kim Jong Il died in December of 2011, everyone involved in the new WMD project agreed that it should go forward. By then, a promising agent was training to deliver expert, close range head shots with a basketball. And here is where the story gets dirtier still. To ensure a high enough level of rage and recklessness, project directors increased the dosages in the cocaine and meth injections they were secretly administering a particular agent-in-training.

When former NBA bad boy Dennis Rodman popped up in North Korea, sage intelligence analysts and journalists wondered what could possibly be afoot. How could anyone reasonably explain such strange birds flocking together in the middle of a brewing international nuclear crisis?

Dennis Rodman, WMD Projectimage by Tuomas Venhola, wikimedia commons

Dennis Rodman, WMD Project
image by Tuomas Venhola, wikimedia commons

Random lunacy? No, indeed. Our sources tell us Dennis was on a scouting mission, laying the ground work for the CIA to get a certain volatile college basketball coach close enough to Kim Jong Un for one last good shot to Un’s massive, low-functioning head.

So far, the White House, the CIA, the DOD and the DEA have all refused to respond to our questions about this developing scandal. The DHS, with its typical over-reaching style, even claimed that we are the mad ones, and that we should seek psychiatric help. In our experience, we can safely interpret such outright denials from multiple government agencies as confirmation that the rumors in question are true. Remember the old Soviet “mental hospital” trick for silencing voices of dissent? Be aware, America!

Now that the project is coming to light, it is doubtful that any branch of the US military will obtain funding from Congress for this horrific weapon. Some on Capitol Hill are rightfully worried that the DHS will hoard large numbers of this WMD if development continues. As to that, DHS Director Janet Napolitano thus far has not commented. Will Congress muster the sense and courage to call her in to committee to testify? We hope so. We can’t imagine any other way to force her to show a modicum of respect for our democratic process.

The dreadful moral and ethical implications of such a lethal WMD program are obvious. We will do our best to remain at large and keep you informed about this crisis.


10 thoughts on “ Breaking News: US Government WMD Scandal!

  1. And to think I was having trouble waking up this (and every) morning, as if life were just a dream state. Something kept telling me it’s not but thanks to Bayard & Holmes, I am now aware of the state of the dream, fog that it is. Lead on, Bayard & Holmes!

    Great post, as always,
    Karen

    • LOL. Glad we could guide you through the fog. Like the blind leading the naked, or something like that. 🙂

  2. on ,
    Scot Bayless said:


    Nice. Made me spray coffee all over my laptop. Still, it’s good to know our big brains in DC are on the job. What next? Maybe an invasion of pigs? Oh wait… that was Kennedy.

    • on ,
      Jay Holmes said:


      Hi Scot. Coffee is bad for you. At some point in the future, we’ll see what we can uncover concerning the Bay of Pigs and any Pig Farmer involvement in the death of JFK.

  3. Wally Waltzenwhatever is my cousin and I respectfully represent the nutered side of his family. Any time you have a chance to interview him – – – please do – – – and remind him that he owes me big time for squashing the paternity suit. Thanking you in advance. The other Wally.

    • on ,
      Jay Holmes said:


      Hello Waldo. Now that your cousin has reached the heights of fame, he’ll likely forget how much he owes you.

  4. Just when I thought all of the conspiracies were taken and exploited, you manage to get me thinking a new one. Okay Rodman went to scout out not only Un’s brainpan but to check a potential honeymoon site for his upcoming marriage to an attractive operative disguised as a bimbo. Or, Un is batcrap nuts and we sent Rodman over to get a close-up comparison.

    • on ,
      Jay Holmes said:


      Hi Tomwisk. Dennis was likely up to something. There has always been method in his life of madness. Who would have guessed that he was a patriot all along?

  5. What an incredible web of intrigue has been woven! And it is not that easy a thing, to weave with a basketball. Leave it to your unparalleled detective skills to unravel the mysteries for those of us not in the know. We owe you yet another debt of gratitude for bringing more shady dealings by our government to light. Thank you once again for a great story!

  6. on ,
    Jay Holmes said:


    Thank you Globalexplorer1. it’s all about the truth ; )

Leave a Reply


Return to Top
%d bloggers like this: