By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes
This past week, Piper noticed a scandal at, of all places, Disney World. Supposedly, a social researcher uncovered an underground concierge service that hooks up wealthy Manhattan Moms with disabled people to accompany them on their family trips to world famous theme park. Once there, the “upper crust” mothers claim these disabled people are part of their families so they can skip to the very front of the lines.
Our initial investigation into this scandal reveals that many reporters writing about it are assuming that this “rent a disabled person” scheme is accepted practice among wealthy New Yorkers. Even to not-wealthy working class Joes like us, this assumption seems to defy human nature and the history of New York.
For one thing, New York’s elite don’t need to hire a disabled person to cut to the front of a line. Disney sells VIP tours to wealthy families from anywhere, providing backstage access and all-day escorts. The “VIPs” already bypass the lines, and the “disabled guides” don’t come with the backstage passes. The cost difference to those people who happen to be morally impoverished enough to stage the deception would not justify the loss in privilege. And besides, why not just rent a wheelchair for the day and have one of their own family ride in it?
While we can’t be certain how many actual cases of “sleazy, rich parents at Disney” are occurring, we know that some people would probably do this dastardly deed just to boost their own feelings of clever superiority over the unwashed masses. We here at Bayard & Holmes, ever alert to chances to turn your problems into our opportunities, feel that, while these integrity-challenged souls are not suited for being around thousands of innocent children at Disney, they should not be excluded from summer fun.
Therefore, we tasked our legions of Bayard & Holmes Vacation and Entertainment Specialists (us) with expanding our own theme park services beyond our Happy Camper Programs at Camp Cheerful on Guantanamo Bay in Cuba. We have acquired a top secret Pacific Ocean Test Range in the lovely Marshall Islands and established our new Camp Adios Pendejo, designed to provide your most despised elitists with satisfying alternatives to a Disney experience.
Our enthusiastic Happiness Technicians, recruited from among retired phone solicitors, bill collectors, and graduates of our special Depraved Congressmen Rehabilitation programs at Camp Cheerful, will greet our over-entitled guests upon their arrival with their special vacation fun suits.
Then they will march escort our reprehensible visitors to our outstanding dining facilities where our nutritional experts devise new recipes that immerse them in a cultural experience their taste buds will remember for a lifetime. What our retired prison chefs can do with a few scorpions and sulfide is the stuff of legend.
And every theme park needs exciting rides. You’ve heard of the famous Pirates of the Caribbean Disney Ride? Hah! Our vacationers get a vastly superior experience on our thrilling Pirates of Somalia Ride. Our special guests—and we consider all of our guests to be special—will paddle their canoes through a shockingly realistic gauntlet of Somali Pirates as those wild and crazy seamen pretend to attempt to mutilate them. The screams of laughter will be heard for miles!
Those who survive will then be treated to our luxurious paddle wheel cruiser, dubbed the Endless Nightmare by our previous guests. The heartless bastards cheerful vacationers will delight in the the glowing walls of the water caves carved out by the nuclear testing as they are auto-piloted past smiling youngsters from the Al-Qaeda Youth Brigade, who will serenade them with a charming rendition of It’s a Short Life After All while firing thrillingly realistic Chinese assault rifles at the boat.
Campers will finish off their day with a special treat! Unlike the Parachute Rides you find at third rate state fair carnivals, we provide our first class guests with a special Bayard & Holmes My Chute Didn’t Open Drop into shark infested waters. Our dedicated camera crew will be waiting in a boat to snap vacation photos of these morally indigent creatures using their best swimming skills to evade those fun-loving reef sharks.
We are sure many of you readers know deserving folks who could use the restorative, rehabilitating qualities of our Happy Camper Programs. Please nominate the person you feel most deserves a long vacation at our exclusive facilities. Tell us why they should skip the lines and crowds at Disney for the far more elite experience of Camp Adios Pendejo. We’ll do our best to get them a scholarship discount for a summer of fun that they’ll remember for the rest of their lives—all twenty minutes of them. It will be so much fun, they might never get home.