If you're in a fair fight, you're using poor tactics.

UK Ueber Alles! — Reporting Terrorist Toddlers

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

Every now and then, we here at Bayard & Holmes are reassured that not all of the political crack heads in the democratic world reside in the US Congress or the White House.

As part of its counter-terrorism and security efforts, the UK has already enacted its “Prevent” program. Under the dictates of Prevent, 44,000 UK health care workers underwent one day of training to teach them to recognize potential terrorists. Now, patients from cradle to grave who enter UK health care facilities are having their terrorist potential evaluated. Fortunately for the Western world, a 9-yr-old extremist has already been identified and “deprogrammed,” thanks to this new human intelligence branch.


Armed and dangerous potential terrorist. Note the glee on this future terrorist's face as he contemplates his innocent target.

Armed and dangerous potential terrorist. Note the glee on this future terrorist’s face as he contemplates his innocent target.


In a follow up to this, the UK is currently considering a bill that would require all teachers to report children as young as toddlers as “potential terrorists.” One assumes the teachers would also be given one day of training to enable them to distinguish child terrors from child terrorists. (See UK Could Require Teachers to Report Would-Be Terrorists.)

Since both of us raised kids who periodically terrorized us during their adolescence years, we have a few suggestions for the UK to beef up their Counter-Toddler-Terrorist initiative:


  • Install CCTVs in each nursery school disposable diaper bin to monitor the true down and dirty activity of the UK’s Most Dangerous Babies. This is a critical task, which should only be trusted to the UK’s most prominent statesmen. Therefore, the top thousand Home Ministry officials will be vested with the duty of monitoring these CCTVs from their laptops 24/7.


  • Each toddler will be given an iPad and taught to Google search. GCHQ, the UK’s equivalent of the US’s NSA, will monitor the children and detain any of them who search on “Winnie the Pooh-Bomber” or “Blow Up Paddington Station Bear.”


  • All baby monitors will be tuned to the same channel and will be monitored at GCHQ 24/7. Any children babbling “Allahu Akbar” when they should be napping will be immediately detained.


  • Some suspiciously unpatriotic individuals in the UK are not taking the Home Office plans seriously, making comments like, “I knew those bastards were daffy!” To inspire those wafflers into the right attitude to maintain the UK’s safety from those who would overrun her and destroy her principles, “God save the Queen” will be replaced by the inspiring Nazi war hymn “Horst Wessel.” A few words of the lyrics will be changed to lend a uniquely British flavor to the song. Heil Home Minister! UK Ueber Alles!




10 thoughts on “ UK Ueber Alles! — Reporting Terrorist Toddlers

  1. Imbecilic beyond belief. (Although perhaps Piper and Holmes might disagree with the ‘beyond belief’ part of that statement.) At the risk of sounding opinionated (joke), the worst thing about people doing a ‘one-day course’ is that they might actually think they know something.

      • I am reminded of a comment you made to me off-Facebook about the nature of Britain today, and I disagreed at the time. Now I am having some doubts. One of my friends who just came back commented of the hyper abundance of CCTV cameras. Clearly it’s changed since I was last there. At that time the IRA were sill bombing and we had bag searches before going into department stores, but it pretty low tech compared to today.

        • Richard, folks in the UK can’t even take their kids out of school without paying a fine to the government. Whose kids are they, anyway? And the penalty for such petty crimes as trying to reuse a bus ticket or watching a TV without a license is a criminal record that prevents them ever traveling out of the country again. People answer to the government in all things. They have for a thousand years. The ones who question that this is the natural order of things end up in America.

  2. Wait… you’re serious? This is really a thing?

    Honestly, it’s getting harder every day for me to decide who’s the bigger threat to me and mine. At least the bad guys are honest about their intentions…

  3. This is an excellent alternative to such horrible profiling activities as stopping known terrorists from boarding airplanes. We might hurt someone’s feelings by profiling, but these toddlers probably won’t worry about getting their feelings hurt.

    • Indeed. These kids are too young to realize they are being violated or what those labels will mean to them in the future. After all, with universal record keeping available, not one of those terrorist toddlers will be allowed to pretend they were ever just little kids and not malicious dangers to society.

  4. A teacher at my kids’ school did an online course in diagnosing dyscalculia (dyslexia for numbers). Now this rather rare disability is being diagnosed in almost all kids sent for testing – probably about 10% of the school population!

    Who was it who said ‘a little knowledge is a dangerous thing’?

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