By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes
For some reason, girl scouts have been getting a lot of flack this year during their cookie sales. First, a troop of little girls was routed from their traditional sales post, the historic house in Savannah where the Girl Scout’s founder lived. And if that wasn’t enough, some little girls in Hazelwood, Missouri, were stopped from selling cookies in their own driveway when an anonymous neighbor complained about the increased traffic in the street.
Needless to say, much posturing, arguing, and confused little girl tears ensued as cookie merchants joined in battle with municipal court. Just as things were escalating into a NATO-endorsed food fight, a true good soul stepped in and made a sacrifice to restore neighborhood peace. That good soul was the Reverend George Hutchings.
Rev. Hutchings, seeing his neighborhood disintegrate into bedlam, cooked up the one solution that could satisfy everyone. He bought all of the cookies. Yes, all thirty-six boxes. Then, after claiming a couple for himself, he had the young ladies distribute the rest of the goodies to the neighbors to sweeten their bitterness in a most tasteful way.
This incident elicited the following statement and suggestion from Holmes:
“The good Mr. Hutching’s response is a great alternative to the Taliban-esque instincts demonstrated by the girl-scout-hating neighbor. I must admit that the reverend responded with a better instinct than I did. I simply wanted to send a couple of pals to find the neighbor and give him a little “cookie-boarding” therapy. (Water-boarding is no longer in fashion).
“Something about seeing people abusing children really brings out the ugly side in me. I was wrong. The reverend was right. Thank you, Reverend George, for making my world a little saner.
“Perhaps there is an opportunity here for America. I suggest that the Department of Homeland Security, a.k.a. The Department of Money is No Object but Sensibility is Beyond Our Budget, contract with girl scouts to buy up all of their surplus cookies. Jihadi terrorism suspects can be forced to eat cookies, washed down with brandy, until they talk.”
Personally, I think Holmes is onto something here with cookie boarding. As the legal department of this partnership, I can’t think of any solid objections to this method of interrogation, assuming the suspects are given their choice of cookie, and a quality brandy is used. Islamic suspects might object to drinking the fermentation of grapes for religious reasons, but let’s be honest, here. If they are the type of people who use Islam as an excuse to kill innocents, how seriously can they take the “religion of peace,” anyway? In fact, as the legal department and a woman, I would add a couple more legal interrogation tools to this list in the form of high heels and hot wax, Brazilian style.
But as far as the Reverend Hutchings is concerned, we salute you, sir, and we thank you for your personal sacrifice in purchasing more cookies than anyone could possibly consume outside of an interrogation setting for the purpose of promoting peace.
As it turns out, this is not the first creative solution Mr. Hutchings has devised for world problems. He is also known as “The Shoeman” for collecting 156,000 pairs of shoes, selling them at $.35 a pound, and using the money to purchase hydraulic drilling rigs to dig water wells in Kenya. Click here to learn more about Shoeman Water Projects, and let’s see if we can’t talk this gentleman into public office.