Family lost in Mass. corn maze calls 911 for help

What this story doesn’t mention is that the family was 25 feet from the street.

This is an arial view of the Connors Farm Corn Maze.

It’s seven acres. If you ever find yourself lost in a corn maze, here’s a hint. Corn is planted in rows. Pick a row, and walk out of the field.


First and foremost, I wish to express my deep gratitude to the hundreds of generations of this couple’s ancestors for their many centuries of struggle to survive so that, collectively, they could deliver to us this fascinating couple. I am sure that during the many blizzards, droughts, plagues, and bandit attacks that the ancestors suffered through, they must have asked themselves many times, “Why are we here?” “What is the meaning of life?”

If only they were with us now, or if I were capable of communicating with departed ancestors, I could explain to them that they succeeded. All their many centuries of struggle were not without meaning. Their survival achieved something very important for mankind. They gave us a laugh and a self-writing story to tell.

On the darker side, it appears to me that this 911 Corn Maze Incident is yet another sad example of emergency responders not quite being up to the task. They did, in fact, find the 42-yr-old man, his wife, their 5-yr-old, and their three-week-old baby. But after guiding them out of the maze, they left the poor children with the two morons that couldn’t figure out how to take a short cut through corn stalks. With so many functioning adult couples unable to have children today, there was no need to abandon these children to a life with their obviously dangerous genetic donors.

My prayers go with those babies. My maternal grandmother insisted that each child survives thanks to an invisible guardian angel. Remembering some of my childhood antics, I can see Grandma’s point. These poor kids likely will need an entire platoon of well-trained angels to survive. Let’s hope that those angels stand an alert watch.

While the reports of the incident explain that the Danvers Police Department responded to the call with a K-9 unit, much has gone unmentioned. Let us share with you a little privileged information about this particular crisis.

Although those evil conspirators in the “main stream media” (a.k.a. real reporters with real jobs) aren’t saying it, they know good and well that the rescue of the Corn Maze Cult members involved a massive government effort. You think we’re broke now? Just wait until we pay for this unnatural disaster!

When a helicopter squadron from the Massachusetts Air National Guard was unable to locate the Corn Cult members for the FBI Hostage Rescue Team in the vast, seven-acre wilderness of corn in the impenetrable, high mountains of Massachusetts, they quickly alerted the United States Strategic Command. The Air Force diverted highly sophisticated reconnaissance aircraft from their humdrum, low priority job of monitoring Mideast miscreants and the Chinese Navy in the hopes of locating the cult members. After hours of searching with no positive results, the Army’s 101st Airborne Division dropped ranger tracking teams into the Corn Wilderness. Finally, the CIA, the National Reconnaissance Office and the NSA diverted valuable space assets to the search. Between the CIA’s digital aperture radar satellites, the NRO’s infrared scanning satellites, and the NSA communications eavesdropping satellites, they were able to locate the cult members and the hungry, nap-deprived hostages. We are grateful that the hostages were rescued.

After the Corn Cult’s successful diversion of military resources from the front (pick any front you like), the CIA, MI-6, La Surete Nationale, and 276 Berlusconni prostitutes are cooperating in a massive investigation to determine if the Corn Cult is connected to Al-Qaeda, or run by one of Iran’s dozen and a half intelligence agencies. We’re hoping that the prostitutes will crack the case any moment now.

image from

Historians across the world will now have to begin the daunting task of rewriting the history of World War Two. It turns out that the allies’ struggles in the weeks following D-Day were not due to the thousands of miles of thick, stone walls, thorn bush hedgerows, German mines, tanks and artillery. Of course not. Don’t be silly. The long concealed secret is out now. That row of corn that Hitler demanded Field Marshall Erwin Rommel plant across northern France brought the allied armies to a sudden halt. Curse though he did, General George Patton could not bully his way through that row of corn. Until the weather turned cold, and the corn died, the allies were stuck and couldn’t move. Thank God for cold weather!

Please remember to report any suspicious Corn Maze Activities to the Department of Homeland Defense. Well-funded operators are standing by now for your calls.

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Vicki Hinze is a bestselling, award winning romance novelist and author of 29 published books. Today, she shares how her environment and live events have effected her writing journey. Lessons and the Writer’s Environmental Impact She’s also a really nice lady and a milliner’s dream. Follow her on Twitter and say hello. @VickiHinze

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Any comments on the Corn Maze Cult rescue?

All the best to all of you for finding your way home.

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse