Bayard & Holmes
~ Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes
Last week, we asked folks to leave us two lies and one truth, and we did the same. Time now for us to reveal our answers.
It is true that I told Ronald Reagan an off color nun joke, and Reagan enjoyed it.
Reagan called a break in a meeting and requested that a few of us stay behind. After we spoke a bit, he asked, “Do you guys know any good jokes?”
No one else wanted to risk it so I told a somewhat raunchy nun joke. Reagan laughed pretty hard and said, “Wow, you’re really bad.” Then he laughed some more, pointed his finger at me, and said, “I like you.”
It is true that I tangled with a well-armed member of Delta Force in a Denny’s parking lot in Texas.
Many years ago, Cpt. Delta, Holmes, and I were all at a meeting of sorts in Somewhere, Texas. To get there, I drove through the night with Cpt. Delta and a couple of other guys. Holmes was not with us.
Before we left on the trip, it was agreed that whoever was driving would control the music. Since Cpt. Delta and I used to prank each other a bit, I carefully selected a few cassette tapes that were calculated to irritate him.
But Cpt. Delta had age and treachery on his side. Come to find out, he so readily agreed to the music arrangement because he had exactly no intention of letting me drive his car. Instead, he kept me awake all night with a little device on his ear that beeped loudly every time he started to nod off to sleep.
I would have thought he was getting back at me for all of the times I called up his work and left PG13 messages for Cpt. Shamu (the killer whale) in my best 1-900 voice. However, he pulled a better one to get back at me for that. But that is another story.
Anyway, I was a bit testy from lack of sleep and in no mood to be diplomatic. He made a rude comment about the punk rocker college kid I was visiting during our stay and speculated as to how that young man might have obtained the money for his Cadillac. Cpt. Delta didn’t realize I had been that kid’s babysitter in my youth. Like any Mama Bear, I got in his face about it.
Holmes and some other guys got out of their car just as I was saying (loudly) something to the effect of, “Cut it the f**k out. . . .” Holmes quickly stepped between us before Cpt. Delta could respond. Holmes smiled at me to distract me while another man asked the object of my ire a question and walked him into the restaurant.
That being said, Cpt. Delta is a wonderful man and a cherished friend, and I had completely forgotten this incident until Holmes reminded me of it. I’m hoping Cpt. Delta forgot about it, too, and that he’s not reading this post. (*waves and smiles*)
Bayard & Holmes:
It is true that Holmes stopped Piper from writing, “Are you as dirty as I am?” in the dust on an antique vase at a major art museum.
Holmes and I were in a Midwestern city many years ago, he on business, and me visiting family. He had an afternoon off so we went to a world class art museum. Before we got to the amazing antique furniture or the impressionist collection, which is unfortunately within sight of the Kandinsky, we found ourselves alone in a room with an antique green vase. It clearly hadn’t been dusted once since its creation.
I realized it was filthy and did a double take. Then I said, “Hey, Holmes. I’m going to write on that vase.”
I stretched my arm toward its perch, my finger at the ready, but Holmes said, “No. Don’t touch it.”
I proceeded to attempt to persuade him to back me up, but Holmes spent his childhood playing hookey from school in the halls of the New York Metropolitan Museum of Art. That left him with a reverence for good museums. He didn’t want us to chance getting booted out of one for no good reason . . . I thought it was a good reason, but I deferred. Whenever the risk is getting 86ed or worse, everyone has to be on board.
Now it’s your turn. What are the stories behind your truths? If you missed last week’s post, what are your two lies and a truth?
All the best to all of you for a week of tall tales.
These are some really great stories, guys! This is what I posted last week:
1. I tried out as a TV extra for One Tree Hill, but was turned down for the part.
2. I once dated a guy who was convicted of attempted murder.
3. I accidentally caught a fence on fire behind my apartment complex while we were in college, the fire department had to be called to put out the very tiny fire.
2. I was 16, cut me some slack. Its really not the only bad dating decision I’ve made if we’re going to be completely honest. I’m just happy my obsession with “bad boys” ended at 17 & when he facebook chatted me a week ago I was both shocked & appalled (& reminded of my 2 month teenage relationship with him).
I have to say, when it comes to bad dating decisions, I’m really glad there was no internet when I was 16. Glad you moved out of that phase. I know a lot of women who have to learn that the hard way, myself included. Thanks for sharing your story, Brenna. 🙂
These are great, guys! I think I got a couple of them right at least 🙂
My stories involved the Time Warp at Oktoberfest (only partly true), dressing as Xena to prank a friend at night (false), and stealing a pine cone from one of the displays at an Abraham Lincoln museum (true). I have to confess I’m a bit of a klepto when it comes to small, almost worthless objects. I also once lifted a thread from Andrew Jackson’s bed.
Lol. I’ll remember that if you ever come to my Christmas party.
For myself, I like to touch things and go places I shouldn’t oughtta. I once sat on Napoleon’s throne chair at the L’Hospital in Paris. I also ran my hands over the graffiti carved into William the Conqueror’s throne back when the public could get up to it. Wasn’t able to put a removable mustache on the Mona Lisa, though. I could have snuck into the Spy Museum in D.C., just for the irony of it, but it was so close to closing time that I wouldn’t have been able to stay for long. So you see, the vase was just a continuation of that trend. In all honesty, I’m the tourist that all those silk ropes and electronic barriers are made for.
Thanks for sharing your story, Heather. Sounds like the ultimate experience for you would be dressing as Xena and stealing a pine cone from a museum on Oktoberfest. 🙂
I guessed correctly on yours! Great stories! Thanks for sharing. And this game is fun. Of course, I had to look back at my list.
1. Wanting to try something completely different after college, I shoved all of my belongings into a small Toyota and moved to a state I’d never been to with no job and only a hotel reservation.
TRUTH. I knew I wanted to go to grad school but didn’t know what I should pursue. So I pulled out a map, did some research, and decideD to move outside of Texas for a while. I chose Albuquerque, New Mexico based on its proximity to mountains, the cost of living, the city’s size, and the employment stats. I saved up some money, threw everything into my Toyota Corolla, and drove 15 hours to my new home with only a hotel reservation. I had never been to Abq or even NM before and knew nobody. Within three weeks, I had chosen an apartment, landed a job at a law firm, and moved next door to my future husband who also attended my church. Boldest thing I ever did, and no regrets.
2. I tried out and was offered the role of Lola in the Damn Yankees production at a local theater, but I had to turn it down when I realized my pregnancy bulge would be obvious by showtime. (Not exactly the Lola people would expect.)
LIE. But I would totally rock the role of Lola. I’m not preggers, so musical directors, give me a call.
3. Having always wanted to try bellydancing, I bought a circle skirt and a DVD and then plastered pictures of Piper in my bedroom for inspiration. It’s my hope that one day I can dance with her and not completely embarrass us both.
LIE. I have thought many times about trying bellydancing, and a friend of mine even bought me finger cymbals for the heck of it. But I own nothing else and haven’t seriously looked into classes. As to plastering pics of Piper . . . relax, honey, that one is a lie.
You blew your guesses about me last week. Only lie was about singing on Idol. I did sing in the opera and at my 30 year class reunion. Now you have to guess whether or not I won a karoake contest on a cruise ship and got to sing in the big auditorium.
I’m actually guessing that you did. 🙂
They’re all lies. I’m a writer. What can I say?
As long as you’re good at it.
Would you find it insulting if I said I find it eerily creepy that I knew which of yours were the truth? Yes? Then, never mind. I guessed. Totally SWAGed my answers.
1. HALF TRUTH: I did get this come on line from a cowboy at Billy Bob’s, but my response was much more sophisticate. I was caught off guard and spewed wine in my nose and onto his shirt.
2. HALF TRUTH: I did not vow to “obey” in my wedding vows, but that was clear long before I accepted the proposal.
3. TRUTH: What undercover vice cop is going to arrest 4 women playing a game of liars poker with 1 dollar bills? Besides, he was rude and far to full of himself. And, yes, I have the highest regard for officers of the law. I married one.
Hi Gloria. That’s nice that you married a cop. When the kids are gone he can pretend to arrest you and you can pretend to resist arrest.
Y’all guessed my truth–and lies–last week. I did enjoy this game immensely. Fair warning: I think I want to run a post like this on my blog in the near future. 😀
Two lies and one truth…
I once fell off a roof, smashing my neighbor’s lawn chair as I was trying to sneak out.
I once snuck into my brother’s room and bit into a piece of candy he had next to his bed: an ammonia capsule.
I once thought it would be really cool riding on the hood of a car until I fell off and dislocated my knee.
The truth – I once snuck into my brother’s room and bit into a piece of candy he had next to his bed: an ammonia capsule. I was five years old. I used to go into his bedroom and pick up all the spare change he had lying around for my piggie bank (he was 18). Like any child, I liked to put things in my mouth. I thought the capsule was candy. It wasn’t. My lips turned inside out, purple, and swelled to about three times their normal size. My parents had to rush me to the hospital. I was fine….and definitely learned my lesson! Oh, and my dad blamed my brother for having it, not me for putting it in my mouth. Daddy’s little princess… LOL
The other two happened too, just not to/by me. The roof thing was a high school boyfriend trying to sneak me out. I didn’t go. The car thing was my mom – and she broke almost every bone in her body when the car rolled on top of her.
Hi Tiffany. I was starting to think that you had a very painful childhood. Thanks for clearing that up.
What a fun game!! Awesome post. I’ll have to check out the preceding post on this one 😉
So Holmes, what was the joke? Love your truths, and especially the lies!
Hi Ingrid. Telling a joke like that in the White House is one thing. Telling it in a decent place like this blog would be quite another.
Pardon me Kathleen. My brain skipped a line when I read your comment.
Awwww guys. How long will the world have to wait to find out the secrets behind the infamous Reagan nun joke?
I just checked back to see what I said and suspect I was working on too little sleep at the time …
1) Well, I don’t lie … Mostly true
2) When I do lie, I lie well … Mostly false
3) In a well, I would lie … truly false
Hope that clears things up.
A good laugh guys.
Hi Nigel. Thank you for the clarification. If anyone hasn’t read Nigel’s X-15 article I recommend that you do so.
PS. I’m wracking my tiny brain, are there any on-color nun jokes?
This is reasonably on-color I think. What’s Black and White and red all over? A nun that fell down the stairs.
OK, two lies and a truth:
1. As a teenager, I was in a boat that capsized in the channel between Los Angeles and Catalina island.
2. In the 1980s, I appeared on television as a snake handler.
3. When I was in elementary school, my father went on Sabbatical to Australia and I came home with an Australian accent that took five years to fade away.
Can you tell which one is true?
I’m going to go with number one as your truth. I would love to give some psychic sounding reason for that, or at least something incredibly intelligent and perceptive, but the truth is I seem to recall you telling me that when I saw you at RMFW last year. Am I right? 🙂