By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes
There’s been much ado made about the end of the Mayans’ 13th b’ak’tun this Friday. The Mayans, themselves, are a bit baffled as to why the Western world is making such a fuss about it. All it means to them is that they flip their calendar back to the Mayan b’ak’tun equivalent of January.
image from wikimedia commons
However, Wikileaks has recently pilfered some highly classified documents that indicate Hugo Chavez is stocking up on Kool-Aid. We think that, if the internationally acknowledged Ass of the Apocalypse is in preparation for the end of the world, perhaps we should be asking a few questions.
For example, how well do we really know these Mayans? About the only thing we do know about them for sure is that they Occupied their own Wall Street with a Tea Party until they had no civilization left. They’ve already had their apocalypse so failing to predict the end of our world would not be their first mistake. What if they are wrong, and the apocalypse really is coming at the end of their 13th b’ak’tun?
With the risk of an unpredicted Armageddon looming on the horizon, planning can be a bit overwhelming and uncertain. What do I need to do first? What should I wear? How do I secure the best possible post-apocalyptic future for my family?
Not to worry. Bayard & Holmes are here to help you rest easy, so to speak. Our Celestial Aftercare Services Division offers a full range of Five Star Post-Apocalypse Services and Products to help you make sure you’re not left out of the good life in the afterlife.
One of your highest priorities will be to present the most admirable image to the afterlife administrators of your personal religious preference. Whether you’re impressing St. Peter to get through the Pearly Gates or Charon to ferry you to the Elysian Fields, one thing is certain. The last thing you want to do is show up on the big day with all sorts of material wealth to explain.
Charon and Psyche by John Roddam Spencer Stanhope
All that earthly junk is of no use to you after the Apocalypse, and probably not all that useful to you now, so you’ll want to safely dispose of that embarrassing material wealth before the big day. We’re happy to help you polish up your image by removing that wealth to
our auction warehouse a safe location, far away from you and your reputation in time for Judgment Day.
Some of our more pragmatic readers may be asking “What if the Mayans were right? What if the end of the b’ak’tun only means you reset the calendar, and the universe continues as usual?”
Not a problem. With our vast experience in Celestial Aftercare Services, we’re ready for this eventuality. In the event that there is no apocalypse, we’ll refund your wealth, minus a modest storage fee.
With your problem of material wealth resolved, your next priority is arranging for a happy post-apocalyptic social life. What sort of souls will you be flying with in the afterlife? Will their music be too loud? Will their jokes go stale after a few millenniums? What if they pick their teeth with their pocketknives or blow their noses onto the sidewalk? Do you want to spend eternity surrounded by under socialized celestial masses? Of course not.
Fortunately, as a Bayard and Holmes Celestial Aftercare Customer, for a small handling fee, you’ll be entitled to free social screening for your entire family. All you have to do is fill out a brief nine hundred question survey to determine the most compatible social contacts for you in the afterlife. Eternity is a long, long time. Why risk spending it with insufferable idiots?
And what about entertainment? Will you be able to get box seats at your favorite celestial sporting events? Will you get stuck sitting in the 14,782nd row of the Heavenly Opera House trying to hear Caruso sing your favorite Italian opera? Or worse yet, will you be diverted to the German opera house to listen to Wagner for agonizing centuries while you wait for an intermission? And what about restaurants? Will you get a decent table for steak and lobster, or will you be forced to catch a salty, mystery meat burrito at a food cart?
image by Tubezone, wikimedia commons
For an inconsequential additional fee, you can receive a Bayard and Holmes VIP Gold Membership Card, which will entitle you to red carpet services wherever you go in the afterlife. Without proper planning heaven can start feeling like hell. Don’t risk it! You deserve the finest services and accommodations, and we’re here to make sure you get them.
Contact us now to prepare for that unpredicted Mayan Apocalypse, or whichever surprise Apocalypse might visit us in the coming year. Don’t leave your afterlife future at risk!
What accommodations and privileges would you like us to arrange for you in your afterlife?
LOL. Great post! I came across a WikiHow on how to deal with your doomsday fears, and they pointed out that the Mayan calendar didn’t recognize our leap years, so if you add those in, the world should have ended some time in 2011:)
Hi Stacy. Are you saying that you won’t be placing an order for our services?
Gosh, what thoughtful people y’all are! Tell you what, though, I’m resigned to continuing to go straight to hell even after I die. The company’s reputed to be a lot more fun than the alternative, and I don’t expect to be bored.
Hi Lin. Well, we COULD still get you better seating in your selected afterlife neighborhood. Contact us about our new “other neighborhood” discount options.
“Without proper planning heaven can start feeling like hell.” Hilarious! And your modest planning and storage fees make it easy for anyone to plan properly!!!
Precisely Elizabeth. I’m not surprised that a bright person like you would so quickly grasp the urgency of reserving your services. As a regular reader you qualify for extra discounts! The first One Million orders will come with a free halo upgrade!
You know what I find interesting? NASA actually has a site set up dedicated for the December 21st end-of-the-world apocalypse. The site is a treasure trove of knowledge and well…giggles. Here’s a general question they answer, seriously, I might add, to dis wade the populace of impending doom: “Is there a planet or brown dwarf called Nibiru or Planet X or Eris that is approaching the Earth and threatening our planet with widespread destruction?” Yes, that is an actual question NASA answers.
Anyway, I loved your post!
Hi Jack. The folks at NASA that answer those questions deserve a medal for remaining polite in the face of such severe gullibility.
You guys think of almost everything! When will you start your After the Rapture Pet Care Service? (Just make sure you collect your fees upfront!)
Hi rob. Fear not, We are already willing to accept deposits for aftercare pet service. Our Furry Nebula Pet center includes eternal unlimited vet care as well! We would hate to leave any our readers needs unattended to.
I really don’t need much for the apocalypse. I’ve got the bunker. er, garage stocked with MREs and water. Maybe a couple bottles of a fine vintage to round out any diversions from Koolaid. There is one thing though, I’d like a reseanonably intellegent, attractive woman over 35 who is well read to share the time and help repopulate the world if necessary.
Hi tomwisk. Well I know many of our readers well enough to say that there are several potential romantic matches reading this post. Please feel free to send us any dating questions after the apocalypse. Piper received certification in Post-Apocalyptic Romance Counseling from the renowned Bayard and Holmes International Institute for Higher Learning. Her advice is absolutely stellar.
How refreshing not to hear a man ask for a 22 year-old! And, with the 35-plus woman, she will not hem and haw over starting repopulating right away-
I like to keep based in reality. A young woman though probably very fertile could possibly lack the cultural, literary and life experience. 35 was an arbitrary age. Experience has shown that women older are just as vital. Anyway, kids raising kids has always scared me.
Could you arrange for Paul McCartney and Elton John to get their voices back so they wouldn’t be an embarrassment if they perform again? and bring the Dixie Chicks out of their self-imposed stasis?.
No problem Richard. I’ll have it done the first day after the Apoclypse.
I agree with you in questioning the knowledge of the Mayans, given the fact that they no longer exist.
They got tired of waiting for the calender to run out and left early.
Look out for that mystery meat burrito. An eternity of flatulence.
YIKES!. You are the English professor. I count on you to uphold a level of academic formality here before we all slide off the literary abyss.
Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown…of academic formality. 😉
Even without any real academic formality my head is often uneasy. I better go for a walk and ease my head.
I’m rather concerned about the wardrobe in heaven. I can’t stand the idea of spending eternity in a white robe with a gold halo. I look terrible in white, and I can’t imagine how a ring hovering above my head will go well with my hairdo. Whatcha got?
Hey, Julie, I’m thinking as long as it makes me look 20 pounds thinner, I don’t care what I wear!
You make a great point, Kathy! Slimming duds would be heavenly. (Yes, I went for the obvious.)
No need to worry ladies. All Bayard and Holmes afterlife customers will enjoy the sculpted body of their choice. before you ask, “both”.
In Heaven, black is the new white-
I’m a starter for any post-apocalyptic services, but I am a bit busy the next couple of days and will have to get back to you after 21 December… 🙂
HI Matthew. We are offering a 60% discount starting 22 December.
ROFL! Darn! I’m so sorry I missed signing up for these essential services before Friday’s apocalypse but I’ve got this post bookmarked so I’ll be one of the first in line for the next one.
Thank you, Patricia. Since an Apocalypse comes around about every year, we look forward to working with you soon for all of your Post-Apocalypse Management needs.
I am so bummed- Post-Apocalyptically speaking, are all blogs up for grabs, like the Hunger Games idea? Perhaps then, I could say I had this idea…
Go for it! 🙂