By Piper Bayard
Just released! Holmes and I used our special connections (a telephone call to each other for a snark session) to uncover the White House plans for dealing with the new $85 billion budget cuts. This is what we discovered.
The TSA has drafted a new, more cost-effective security procedure. Instead of TSA agents conducting pat-downs at airport security, the TSA now asks that passengers please grope the person in the security line immediately behind them before they board any planes. If anyone has religious or common sense objections to that procedure, they will instead be allowed to grope themselves, but only if a TSA agent is watching.
In light of education cuts, education in America will now be Pay Per View through Amazon. Since my teens assure me that fifty percent of their classmates only show up at school to do their drug deals and practice sex ed techniques in dark library corners, this should reduce education expenses by fifty percent. It will also have the complimentary effect of reducing local police budgets, as our officers will no longer be called on to arrest 5-yr-olds who threaten to shoot bubbles at their classmates.
To address the impending nationwide reduction of firefighters, President Obama today signed 52 executive orders banning lighters, matches, and Beyoncé videos. He also appointed a cattle woman from Chicago named Mrs. O’Leary as his new Fire Tzar to establish yet another over-paid bureaucracy devoted to studying the source of fire violence.
Holmes and I, shocked and awed by this approach to governmental thrift, have already drafted a letter to Congress proposing that America recoup that $85 billion cut by discontinuing the tens of billions we give in foreign aid to countries that hate us and harbor people who try to kill us. We would also downsize Michelle Obama’s lavish, non-stop, taxpayer-funded vacation to two weeks a year, which is what the few taxpayers left in America have to enjoy. We would suggest that, like America’s shrinking middle class, Michelle spend that two weeks cleaning out the basement and having a garage sale, but since we taxpayers own her furniture and china, we don’t want to give her that idea.
There is still a middle class over there? :O!
It’s hard to find, and it’s quickly disappearing, I’m sad to say.
If your grope policy is enacted, I plan to arrive at the airport well in advance of flight time, so I can maneuver for titillating options as groper and gropee. This will also fall in line with the health and fitness campaign as I’ll want to eliminate my muffin tops prior to boarding.
My ideas? Let’s amp the spending allotment for development of those robotic squirrels. They could be used in place of human underwear fondlers to sniff out drugs in our check-on luggage. Curious minds want to know which Congress-persons nephew runs that program out of his parent’s converted garage.
I doubt we’d gain much from eliminating the “Paid for by the Economic Initiatives Act” Politico-signs, but I did finally spot one on my trip to California. Big sign. BIg, big, nanner-nanner in-my-face sign. Of course, all the barriers were in place. The “traffic fines double” warnings were in place, as was the heavy equipment. The only thing missing? Workers.
And, why not throw some more money at failing corporations, so we can document their journey into bankruptcy. If the world was a fair place, we’d apply those lessons to our own failing economy.
Sadly, our world isn’t fair.
I’ve heard it said that fair is a weather condition. Love your Robotic Squirrels Initiative. 🙂
An “Ultra Local” tax could be instituted where we essentially just tax each other. I might have the Your-child-walked-through-my-backyard-on-his-way-home-from-school tax. Or there could be the Your-exhaust-fumes-made-me-gag-in-my-driveway-this-morning tax. And, of course, you all could have the You’re-not-gripping-your-handgun-nor-slinging-insults-properly tax. These taxes can be completely arbitrary, so long as they are paid on time. And if not, then we just provided some unsuspecting police rookie who’d been laid off the opportunity for continued employment. And if we go broke paying our debts we just tax each other some more via the You-breathed-my-air tax or the You-took-all-my-money tax or even the Everyone’s-having-more-fun-than-me tax. Because, aside from your ideas listed above, taxes are the only other realistic solution to any of this, right? Unless we want to cut back on Michelle Obama’s wardrobe allowance, but that seems a bit grievous.
You saved yourself from a You-owe-me-for-the-time-I-spent-reading-your-comment tax by making it so dang fun to read, Anna.
I’ll be watching for alternative opportunities. You have been warned. 😉
Oi, today on the radio, they were describing how some kid had been expelled from his school for biting his POP TART into the shape of a gun. Really? REALLY?
In other news, world hunger, war crimes, racism, crippling debt, and a million other serious threats to the well being of people are on the rise…
Seriously!?! That’s just stupid. When people behave like that, they teach young people that they can’t trust authority and that their world and the people in charge are insane. Let’s let them be young while they are young and not find that out until they’ve passed puberty.
I have been fit-to-be-tied over the drama queen whining of the lawmakers and department heads over a 2.3% cut. Did they notice that most Americans just absorbed the end of the payroll tax deduction without falling off the earth or spontaneously combusting?
Anyway, I suggest the Federal Government stop funding art that has the main purpose of offending and insulting the average American; trade in President Obama’s constant golf vacations for an annual membership for him at the local city course; choke out the federal farm subsidies that don’t go to family farms, but rather major agribusiness; and tax clapping during State of the Union addresses.
Excellent idea–tax clapping during the State of the Union address. That’d veer us away from the fiscal cliff, sequestration, and political self-indulgence all in one fell swoop! Or maybe just tax the politicians and/or media every time the word “sequestration” is used.
I say we have paid enough Tax ! how about serving the american people. Stop being the savior of the world and start doing the job entrusted to them. Stop lobbyist putting irrelevant laws in with things meant to be something completely different. Stop giving the general public less than what our leaders feel is good for them.
Stop taxing every cent of every dollar time and time again. Enough!!!!
Can’t we just exile the whole bunch of them to Van Damiens Island?
You know what would be nice and end this sequester in a flash: From the top POTUS to appointed cabinet member to pork barrel appointee to the Congress and all of the appointees, no more salary, nada, bupkis, zilch, zero. No food stamps, or welfare safety net. And the possibility of frozen assets if they prolong the “crisis”. I think they made it up for drama and make each other look bad. Oh yeah, the perks go to. No more rides. Barack will be real careful at the next speaking engagement. It’d save money and motivate the bejesus out of them.
Too freakin funny!
Brilliant, as usual. It’s hard to laugh at the craziness, but you two pull it off!
Thanks, Diana. 🙂
“On a clear day, you can see forever….”(just go ahead and hum the rest of the song)
Guess TSA started early here: those of some religious/cultural groups are already allowed to pat down themselves in security – heads, shoulders, knees, and toes – the works. I always want to hum along with them…just to be congenial and friendly.
Hysterically funny post
Would chat more but in a rush to apply for one of the job listings the Feds have posted…I want to grow insects…(promise not to get angry and squish them.)
I think they should only be allowed to do that if they sing the song at the same time. Best of luck for the job. 🙂
The whole thing is stupid. It frustrates me because we know how to fix an economy. Short-term austerity doesn’t work–if it did, Europe would be paradise by now. It certainly isn’t. We should invest in our country–build infrastructure, hire workers to build said infrastructure, and hire teachers, fire fighters, and police officers. Rather than putting 700,000 government workers on furlough, we should be adding to that workforce. More people working=More people spending=healthier economy. We’d have to put taxes up to a more reasonable level (that’s just reality–taxes will eventually go up for everyone. They’ll have to. The top 1% will bear the brunt of it. But there is no such thing as a free lunch. So suck it up, I say), and get services in exchange for said taxes. This stuff about wanting to spend, spend, spend and not have to pay for anything is ridiculous.
Oh and while I’m at it, let’s avoid going to wars under dubious circumstances as well. Stop exporting high explosives to foreign places courtesy of our cruise missiles and bombs and use that money to feed and clothe people here. Some might call me a socialist–I don’t care about labels. My platform is compassion for all people. Our current system does not serve compassion–it serves the greed of the ultra wealthy and their sychophants. Jesus said the money changers in this temple will not stand. I say it’s time to start flipping some tables 🙂