By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes
Last week, Washington, D.C. shut down due to a threat. No, not a terrorist threat. The threat of snow.
Frosty disappointed
image by Square87, wikimedia commons
A snow storm predicted to drop 5” – 10” of Frosty’s essence was moving into the area. In the end, Frosty was disappointed with an inconvenient slush. However, Bayard & Holmes, ever on the alert for original ways to make our world a better place, noticed that for a day, things were looking up for our country. For a whole day, the same government that brings us fat-cat banker relief acts, TSA gropes, warrantless searches of American citizens on our highways, and increasingly more hostile political, racial, and religious division actually did no harm to the nation.
In light of that remarkable event, Bayard & Holmes has founded the First Do No Harm Foundation for World Peace. We are currently accepting donations for the purpose of purchasing snow making machines and stationing them at strategic locations around Washington, D.C. Every time the children aren’t playing well together, we will turn on the snow makers to shut them down and give them a cooling off period. Sort of a Congressional Time Out.
But why stop there? We have already contacted the Defense Department about re-fitting retired B-52 and B-1 bombers with snow making equipment that would allow them to carry this peaceful mission to other parts of the world.
What’s that, Kim Jong Un? You say you’re going to send nukes south of the border? One Snowmageddon coming right up. Old Kimy Boy will be enjoying a week of relaxation while he roasts marshmallows in one of his deep underground bunkers. From what we see of Kim ther’s no shortage of snack food in North Korean bunkers.
What’s that, Iran? You want to become the sole Islamic Caliphate and bury the West? Looks like you’re the one buried now. Just to help the Iranian regime enjoy the snow from heaven we’ll sell them some curly toed snow-shoes. And Hugo Chavez? No worries about him. He’s finding out Hell didn’t really freeze over when he was elected president of Venezuela. Should his replacement thug become too annoying and start financing Colombian terrorists again Caracas residents would be treated to their first snow storm since the last ice age.
This is win/win all the way around. Aging snow bunny pacifists will have delightful new adventure tourism destinations for winter fun all year round, and the military can give the tantruming toddlers of the world the discipline they need. And the best part? Americans will have a training tool to use on our nation’s leaders. Who knows? Maybe we’ll luck out, and Congress will throw a Donner Party. There’s more than one way to trim the fat in DC.
Well, I had to look up Donner Party, to discover yet another aspect of American history I would never have imagined. Cannibalism? Would DC seriously be better if the legislative collective resorted to cannibalism? I thought politics in Australia was pretty *%#8&# , but I’d never thought of cannibalism as a solution. I’m curious: is the Donner story well known in the US? I’ve never heard of it before this. I’ll mention your solution on my next blog. We have an election in October in which the choice is between a crud sandwich and a crud sandwich. Maybe you have a solution here.
LOL. Seriously. The kind of media scrutiny and political savagery that goes on in elections tends to ensure that only the mediocre or worse will rise to power. If you’re interested, I have a brief history of the Donner Party at Snow is Relative, and Relatives Might be Handy in Snow. Good luck choking down that sandwich.
Your basic premise is correct. However, the execution of your plan is flawed.
Do not waste good snow on these plastic people. They deserve nothing better than fake plastic snow that can be easily found in any craft shop. If that does not satisfy your needs then go to the local zoo and ask the attendent with the shovel and scoop for some of his/her gatherings.
So while they are attempting to snow us through crafty acts and presidential defication return the favor.
“Long live the erroneous weather people.”
Hi Waldo. I sympathize with your natural instincts. Your suggestion has merit but the methane gas levels in DC are already dangerously high. We don’t want to blow up innocent visitors or damage any monuments.
I stand corrected.
What a great idea! But why leave off with snow? We Gulf Coast dwellers would be happy to divert a hurricane or two over to our nation’s capitol to bring some perspective to our president and lawmakers. When your roof is caved in, tree limbs litter your yard, and the electricity has been out for 10 days, planning a golf outing with a special interest representative doesn’t seem quite so important. (Although I have a feeling that Rand Paul could keep going even through a tornado.)
LOL on Rand Paul, Julie. I think everyone on both sides of the aisle was impressed with his endurance (and the size of his bladder)!!
Ha! I heard a rumor today that Paul had considered wearing a catheter to keep going, but decided that was a bridge too far. Um, yeah.
Hi Julie. Your diversion concept seems like a great idea. I’ll call the director of our renowned Bayard and Holmes Science Foundation (Piper’s teenage son) and have him investigate the possibilities. His legion of bright young scientists(his younger sister) should be have a proposal for us within a few months. They are currently busy developing our top secret “SLS” project (selective ligthning strikes) but they should be able to handle hurricane guidance as well.
Send them snow, lots of it. Then reverse engineer it to figure out how to abate some of the blizzards.
Hi tomwisk. yes, the’ve been snowing us for years.
Using snow to bully the government? Does no one else see this as a super villain plan?
Piper, Holmes, I’m on to you. 😉
Hi Shantnu. We see ourselves as masked crusaders of sorts. We’re thinking we can build a following like Batman or Super Woman etc.
I like this!!! 😀
Hi MaLinda. Thank you.
Brilliant. Simply brilliant.
Thank You Tami.