By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes
Celebrity “wardrobe malfunctions” are appearing in the media with increasing regularity. We’ve noticed these malfunctions seem to occur when a celebrity’s ratings are slipping, and they don’t just involve the accidental torn dress, broken heel, or ripped pants that the rest of us deal with now and then. Oh, no! They’re all about the privates. Veritable Hail Mary Hoo-Hahs.
Would put picture here,
but we are PG-13.
Use your imagination
or Google Images.
It’s amazing how a perfectly good dress or pair of pants manages to reveal booties, nipples, or genitalia when a camera crew is at just the right angle to capture the moment. Naturally, none of these photographers happen to work for editors with the slightest bit of class, and the illicit shots quickly end up online and in the scandal sheets. With a little luck for the celebrities, their personals even get mentioned on major news outlets. And voilá! One breast in the wind gets more publicity than anything these declining celebrities (Anne Hathaway excepted) could pay for.
We would hate to accuse these celebrities of feigning wardrobe malfunctions for well-prepared camera crews. After all, it’s not our style to try to bring attention to ourselves at the expense of those who are no longer what they used to be. Nonetheless, in the interest of fair and honest commentary, a few obvious questions come to mind.
Do these wardrobe malfunctions work? Does the extra publicity translate to financial rewards? And, more critically, how can we profit from this?
As our regular readers are well aware, we here at Bayard & Holmes like to live up to our motto, “Your Problems are Our Opportunities.” In keeping with our ongoing efforts to save society from itself—or at least profit by it while failing—we are proud to announce the Bayard & Holmes Premium Wardrobe Malfunction Concierge Service.
Celebrities In Need of Career Rehab, our message here today is for you. You no longer need to struggle with transparently staged “accidents” which only serve to highlight your staggering careers. By taking advantage of the Bayard & Holmes Premium Wardrobe Malfunction Concierge Service, you will get that ever critical upsurge in attention without having what’s left of your reputation dragged through unfashionable media gutters.
For a remarkably small fee, our highly trained Celebrity Assistance Team (CAT) will arrange a malfunction that will have your fans raving. Producers will be banging at your door again, begging you to read for the best parts. While other stars are making themselves look pathetic with some low-budget “panty shot,” you’ll be grabbing headlines without even having to bribe the networks!
Here’s how it works. CAT will show up at your home and rehearse your custom-designed celebrity misfortune with you. At the appointed time in front of major media news crews, CAT agents will spring forward and tear your clothing from your body while shrieking al-Qaeda slogans. You and the twenty girl scouts that we hired for the event will all scream in shock and indignation. After pretending to slap you to the ground—you’ll need to act out the fall so start practicing—our CAT agents will beat a quick escape.
Our contracted physician actor, who once played a janitor on Scrubs, will loudly document that you suffered injuries in the assault, and that you are “under a doctor’s care.” A professional CAT rental family will then hold a press conference and ask the public for its prayers for your full recovery.
Rather than wasting time in medical treatment, you’ll actually be enjoying a few days under the care of your favorite sex consultant. Then, at just the right moment, our staff will transport you to the back door of a hospital where your agent and a well-trained faux family will escort you out the front door to be cheered by adoring and relieved fans.
What’s that you say? You have no fans left? They all abandoned you after your last DUI or domestic violence incident? Not a problem. For a modest additional fee, we can pack that hospital parking lot with adoring fans from the most fervent European soccer riots. An image of you shyly (and unsuccessfully) covering your face with a white veil to defend your privacy from those savage paparazzi will be plastered all over news outlets. A Pope, a British Prime Minister, and Justin Bieber could all die in a flaming train wreck the same day, and they STILL wouldn’t steal the limelight from your precious parts. Imagine the raging jealousy that less fashionable celebrities will feel when they see their cheap wardrobe malfunctions shoved off the stage by your public near-rape and pillage.
Don’t humiliate yourself with some poorly staged Hail Mary Hoo-Hah. After all, nothing says “has been” louder than a low-grade mishap. Don’t waste any more valuable minutes as the clock ticks down on your fading glory. Call Bayard & Holmes and ask for a quote from our very busy customer service representatives at our Premium Wardrobe Malfunction Concierge Service.
Call now and receive an extra ten screaming girl scouts at no extra charge. You deserve to be the center of the world’s attention. Don’t be left out. This offer is for a limited time only.
Get that career revived before it’s too late. Operators are standing by.