By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes
Are you feeling abused by your political system? Disgusted with your congressmen and elected officials? Ready to move to Central America to find some semblance of organized government?
Fear not! Bayard & Holmes stand ever prepared to turn your problems into our opportunities. We are proud and excited to bring you our latest ingenious program calculated to lower your stress and increase your happiness. We call it 1-800-ZAPP-ASS. Here’s how it works. . . .
For a meager donation of $1.99, you can dial or text 1-800-ZAPP-ASS and deliver an electric shock to the Political Offender of your choice—congressmen, elected officials (no Executive Privilege applies), or a fervent, annoying, neighborhood political party radical. You can even use this device to zapp some sense into social media ranters, or those college kids still young enough to know everything who come to our doors, clipboard in hand, and tell us how misguided we are in our political views.
All proceeds will be placed in a special fund to assist those affected by the government shutdown, along with the growing numbers of unemployed people and their hungry families who are so desperate for work they are now studying Mandarin or Phillipino in the hopes they will be re-hired for their own outsourced jobs some day.
Sound amazing? But wait! There’s more!
The top 12 most-zapped Political Offenders will win all expense paid vacations to Camp Cheerful Summer Camp for Adults in the beautiful blue Caribbean on the coast of Cuba.
Our highly trained Happiness Specialists will be waiting for your favorite Political Offenders with a very special fun activity designed just for them. We call it Politicalboarding.
With Politicalboarding, the Political Offenders are restrained in a room together where they are subjected to each other’s company. Then, they sit through 72 non-stop, fun-filled hours of Ted Cruz filibustering, only interrupted by diaper changes and electric shocks when their eyelids droop. After that, the Political Offenders will be forced to stand at attention until they have memorized each one of the over 2,500,000 words in the Obamacare statutes and regulations.
No worries! This is nothing like waterboarding. In fact, Political Offenders at Camp Cheerful aren’t even given water.
Once they can recite Obamacare like a Baptist Circuit Preacher quoting the Holy Bible at a tent revival, the Political Offenders will be treated to a sumptuous banquet of gluten-packed, dairy-packed, sugar-loaded, freeze dried, GMO whole wheat bread crust and a draught from the local sacred spring of Baca Podrida (translation “Rotting Cow”).
After their meal, the Political Offenders will be strapped to chairs and turned upside down in a dunking booth. Then, since Baseball is not only our religion but the All-American Sport, major league hopefuls will practice their throws. Just so you know, this isn’t waterboarding, either. It’s Strategic Dunking.
Text, phone, tweet, email, or FaceBook now and contribute your $1.99 to zapp Congress into action. Let’s remind these self-serving bozos who exempt themselves from everything from NSA spying to Obamacare that we have a special interest, too. We call it “America.”
If you would like to suggest anyone to receive a shocking wake up from 1-800-ZAPP-ASS, please feel free to do so below. However, in the interests of delicacy and the fact that social media platforms take years to build and can be destroyed in seconds, please only refer to your Political Offenders by clean and clever code names.
Now, now! No crowding, and no personal attacks on each other in the Comments Section. We’ll leave that sort of unethical, unprofessional behavior to the politicians.
Is this service restricted to the US or do you offer it to politicians on other continents as well? (Though to be fair, ours are looking pretty good right now by comparison.)
Hi Kokkie. We hate leaving our friends and neighbors around the world community to fend for themselves. Let’s face it, political miscreants are the biggest problem world wide. We hope to expand the program to reach the global community. Our R&D team is working to develop a smoke signal relay system for those areas that lack phone systems.
I also recommend 1-800-ZAP-ASS PLUS — a zap strong enough to induce bladder malfunction — any time a politician makes a public assertion in direct conflict with a prior statement on that same subject.
1-800-SAP-ASS PLUS would permanently imbed a post-Zap-Ass-hypnotic-like suggestion that would make their mouths spew: “Let me make this imperfectly clear.” and “Make no mistake about it, I have already made them for you,…” Words such as “misspoke” would auto-correct to “Big Fat Lie.”
The just-the-facts-that-I-want-to-promote news reporters?
1-800-ZAP-ASS would cause their iPods and recorders to malfunction, broadcasting a default headline:If I Have to Tell the Whole Truth, I Got Nothing.
I’m a transplanted Texan,
butand there is one thing about this state I think might help our country. The Texas legislature meets once every two years, unless a special session is called.
It was based on the original schedule for U.S. congressional sessions — when representing the people was a part-time job rather than the best Golden Parachute retirement plan ever conceived.
That was back in the good-old-days, when representatives were part of their own community.
Well played, Bayard and Holmes.
Hi Gloria. As you always do, you have presented great ideas. I have forwarded your response to our director of R&D (Piper’s teenage son.) He’ll confer with the leaders of the Bayard and Holmes Science Team (his video game club) to see what can be done with your great ideas.
By the way. I happen to like Texas, and I happen to like Texans. The media presents them as “wild eyed radicals” of some sort. I guess to the modern media, anyone that attempts to think for themselves is a “radical.”
This is brilliance at its best! Sign me up. Except that I can’t afford the $1.99 because I’ve been furloughed (LOL).
Listening to these Political Offenders makes me feel like I’m listening to Charlie Brown’s teachers. “Wowa…Wowa…Wowa…Wowa”
LOL, Brickhouse Chick!
Thanks, Gloria! I LOVE your 1-800-ZAP-ASS-“PLUS”, especially based on the rate of obesity in this country! 🙂
Hi Brickhouse. Thanks for the clip!
I want to nominate all of Congress and Gov. Thief… I mean Gov. Skeletor of Florida.
Hi Tymber. That’s going to take a lot of electricity, but fear not. Our agents had the forethought to hook up the ventilators in the capitol to hot air turbines. We are generating so much electricity with this system that we might be able to replace fossil fuel generating stations in the DC area.
Put me down for 10! They will make great Christmas gifts…
Hi Susie. You are always a paragon of thoughtfulness. I’m going to talk to Piper and your parents and see if we can’t get your name legally changed to Mrs. Santa Claus.
Brilliant! Now, to narrow my list of offenders to fit my budget. Ah, so many and so little… Thanks for this breath of fresh air, as always.
Hi KM. Yes yes. It’s sad, but we do all have to stay within budget. After all, we’re not congressmen or drug lords. We can’t just spend as we please.
Where’s the Gipper? I miss he and Tip’s ability to do the right thing without the threat of torture as an inducement –
“The scariest words an American can hear?’im from the government and I’m here to help'”… Ronald Reagan
Hi Emily. I love that Reagan quote. Tip’s favorite saying was “All politics are local.” By that he meant that the constituents had to know that their politicians were in touch with them. Somehow we have come to a point where the current philosophy seems to be “If the locals complain, call them terrorists and arrest them!”
Power corrupts….and it’s all looking pretty rusty now. Great post….(and I’m about to go up there and offer to move any barricades for vets myself…it’s Our house, you “all talk and no cattle dudes”
Thank you Philosopher
I’ve calculated, y’all, and for $1066.64, we can deliver a ZAPP-A to all of Congress and our President. I’ll taking up a collection and calling it in soon! Thanks, Bayard & Holmes!
And do you have a program for resurrecting REAL leaders…say, like Churchill? We could use some of that about now.
Count me in, Julie. That’s a great deal for the entire lot!
I’ll agree to Churchill if we can also get General Allen Brooke to keep Winston from trying to micro-manage the MOD. No more wild “soft underbelly” theories or disasters in Gallipoli. The UK could have Oliver Cromwell for 12 months to clean up corruption as long as he promises to stay inside the UK.
For the US I am hoping for George Washington for President, Thomas Jefferson for Senate leader, FDR for Secretary of Defense, Oliver Wendell Holmes for Atty. Gen, Booker T Washington for sec of Education and St Elizabeth Ann Seton will manage healthcare.
Unfortunately, so far our research director just gives me disgusted looks when I ask him about reviving the dead.
Wow, you’ve really thought this out, Holmes. Maybe we don’t need a research director so much as a seance expert. LOL.
Bwahahahaha! If this were an actual product the inventor would make millions. Millions, I tell you! 😀
Hi Jae. I think you are right. Billions even. Imagine what Syrians would pay to zap Assad or what Russians would pay to zap Putin. Kim 3.0 in NK would be lit up like a light bulb. There would be glowing false prophets across the Mideast. Less prophets and more profits.
Tee hee! Love the “less prophets more prophets” dig. 🙂
Hi, sign me up. The program sounds “enriching” to say the least. My nominee, code-named Cruise Missile should get a “scholarship” and “Boner” should be subjected to leadership and cooperation lessons. Have a nice day, Uncle Tom.
Hi Uncle Tom. Would you volunteer to teach “team spirit” seminars to congress if we equip the class with electrically enhanced executive seating for the students?
Sure, taught job upgrades to USAF members while in Japan. How much different can it be explaining something to someone who’s brain isn’t wired for it?
You are intrepid.
I am rolling on the floor laughing! This is an absolute riot!
Reblogged this on mchllmdm and commented:
This is too funny not to reblog. LOL.