By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes
In anticipation of the holiday season, our tremendous staff in our Bayard & Holmes Tactical Products Division (us) at the Bayard and Holmes Secret Underground Research Complex (Holmes’s basement) spent this fall ignoring social media memes and developing the tactical products you need to make your holiday season a safer and happier time.
Image by Ciphers, wikimedia commons.
Tactical Green Slime
Our first new product is to help those many individuals and families who are concerned that some of their holiday house guests might snoop about in their medicine cabinets and other private spaces. Ever ready to turn your problems into our opportunities, we are proud to introduce our Tactical Green Slime (“TGS”).
Unlike Sarin Gas and other, cheaper chemical warfare products used by less fashionable chemical warriors, TGS is reasonably priced, easy to deploy, harmless to innocents, and not yet getting any attention from the UN, the DHS, or the DOD that would result in taxpayer-sponsored “shock and awe” at your happy home.
Simply fill an interesting medicine bottle with vitamin tablets. Put on some gloves and spread a little of our colorless, odorless TGS on the outside of the bottle. Leave it front and center in the cabinet.
When a snooper touches the bottle, their hands will pick up a harmless, but hilarious, phosphorescent green glow. The glow is not permanent and should wear off in a few short years.
As you boot the radiant fool out of your house, casually mention that the glow is caused by strontium 90 isotopes (it’s not) and suggest a trip to the nearest ER. Imagine the fun they’ll have waiting in line for two days for a nurse to check them out, and then trying to get themselves released from the psychiatric ward. By the time they get home all of their family, ex-friends and acquaintances should have by then enjoyed a great holiday without them.
Use Tactical Green Slime in your medicine cabinet. Use it on your jewelry case. Use it on your favorite bag of potato chips in your pantry. TGS is the perfect tool for keeping your property safe from your friends and loved ones.
Tactical Green Slime is not sold in any retail store. Medicine bottles and latex gloves sold separately.
Throwman in action. Image by Schneemann, wikimedia commons.
Tactical Frosty the Throwman
And what about those friends and relatives you don’t even want making it to your door? Frosty the Throwman to the rescue!
Our new Tactical Frosty is guaranteed to keep the peace in your front yard during this great season of happiness and joy. He comes equipped with a recycled Major League Baseball pitching machine that can toss a snowball at up to one hundred miles an hour. A video transmitter in Frosty’s head allows you to aim and fire while sipping hot cider in the comfort of your kitchen. Whatever ideas any local thugs might have had about tossing snowballs near your home will be quickly banished from their dangerous minds as they pick themselves up, bewildered by the lightening-like snowball strike that knocked them on their butts.
With Frosty on the job, your neighborhood should be safer than ever. Snow covered baseballs sold separately.
Tactical Vin Sommeil Profond
No matter how hard we try, we sometimes end up having to tolerate “those ones in every family” at the Christmas gathering. Have no fear. We have the solution. Literally. Instead of shoving a turkey leg in their pie-holes when they gear up with their diatribes, instead offer them a glass of our 1962 Vin Sommeil Profond, Premiere Cru.
Just one sip of this impressively bottled and labeled concoction that we whipped up in a bathtub last night, and your obnoxious guests will be off in Sommeil Profond Land for a twelve-hour nap. If they begin pontificating again when they awake with a slight headache and severe memory loss, offer them a bit of Hair of the Dog. After two servings, even the most dogmatic ideologue will forget whatever it was they once believed so adamantly and will instead focus on figuring out who they are and why they are in your home. Feel free to have a little fun with this phase.
Image by Dimimis, wikimedia commons.
Tactical Baby Jesus
It has become a sad new trend for thieves to steal those lovely, plastic baby Jesuses from the nativity scenes that Christmas revelers put on display. With our new Tactical Baby Jesus (“TBJ”), we can put a stop to this ugly trend.
No, this is not baby Superman with superpowers of flying and knocking the crap out of the bad guys. Jesus never hurt anyone, nor did he ever ask anyone to hurt anyone in his name. Therefore, TBJ is completely in character, being equipped with a locator transponder that allows you (and the Department of Homeland Security) to track the Jesus-napper to his or her hideout. Once there, a Federal SWAT team can make a safe recovery after a twelve-hour hostage standoff and return TBJ to your front lawn unharmed.
We hope these fantastic new, reasonably priced Tactical Holiday Products improve the quality of your family celebrations, and we hope selling them to you will improve the quality of ours. Wishing all of our readers a joyous holiday season filled with peace and happiness to all of good will. For those of less good will, you now have some great new tools.
Hi,Piper and Jay. Send me a price list and acceptable method of payment. I need the whole shootin’ match.We’ll figure a safe shipping and delivery method later. Need the TGS ASAP people have been fingering my medicine bottles; Frosty is to deal with the obnoxious,I mean playful tykes in the neighborhood who pelt some of us when the snow is deep enough. This is preemptive. The Vin is going out as a gift to particular acquaintance who gads about during the holidays visiting in search of libations. Her nature will have her consume the entire bottle and keep her home. The TBJ is just for s***s and ha-has.
Sounds like you need the Holiday Tactical Package with all four festive items. And with every order of the Holiday Tactical Package, we throw in an answering machine message from Piper. Her persuasive greeting is guaranteed to insure that none of your friends or relatives will ever dial your number again. Happy Holidays, Tom! — Piper
Is there anything that can make me avoid my relatives completely? Something like Home Alone’s “I made my family disappear” 🙂
Hi Shantnu. We’re not in the business of making people disappear. (Got that, NSA?) However, we understand the need for some quiet time during the holidays, and we have something special worked up to guarantee that people will either stay away, or they will behave. Check back next week to find out the details of our Spanking Santa. 🙂 — Piper
Best title ever!
Thank you, Phil. Hope you’re keeping cozy, too. 🙂 — Piper
It’s the perfect list! Do you think the tactical slime can be used to catch cookie thieves, too? “Who opened the cookie jar?” A show of hands would solve that riddle.
Absolutely. TGS is organic, biodegradable, and takes on the flavor of the hosting treat. You’ll catch that culprit in no time. 🙂 — Piper
Is TGS effective for chocolate fudge? There is an alarming pattern of fudge disappearing shortly after being created in our house. I have long suspected domestic terrorism in this heinous crime, but need the perfect means of preventing it.
TGS would not be effective in your home for protecting fudge. Anyone else’s home, yes, but not yours. I don’t recommend you use it anywhere near fudge, donuts, potato chips, or the crispy crust on fried chicken. 🙂 — Piper
Ho,ho,ho! I gotta have me one of these Frostys and slime! I have a lot of medicine bottles to protect! 🙂
LOL. Sounds like your holiday is set to be very happy. 🙂 — Piper
Nothing says Happy Holidays like a Tactical Baby Jesus. Great post.
TBJ is all over this holiday. Glad you enjoyed the post. 🙂 — Piper
Hmmm…This could come in very handy. Maybe I should order all of them. 🙂 I can think of a few people I’d like to try this on. Hahahaha.
LOL. Lots of people do come to mind, don’t they? 🙂 — Piper