By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes
Psychological tests have inundated social media lately, giving people the opportunity to find out everything about themselves from which Lord of the Rings character they are to which weapon they most resemble. However, in all of this, no one has asked the genuinely important question–the one that matters more than all of the rest . . .
Which Despotic Dictator Are You?
Have you ever read the headlines and wondered which world-manipulating, power-hungry psychopath you most resemble? Then this test is for you! We here at Bayard & Holmes consulted our team of psycho/social experts (us) to develop a short quiz that will help you determine the answer to that most pressing of questions . . .
You see a pretty young woman on the beach. What do you do?
- Take your shirt off and hand her a picture of yourself practicing judo. When she doesn’t respond, you accuse her of being a warmonger and invade her country.
- Charge her with prostitution and feed her to dogs.
- Drool at her from your wheelchair while your assistant accuses her of being a white supremacist.
- Kidnap her, try her for indecent exposure, and have her publicly stoned to death.
- Send your aid over to arrange a liaison. After she rejects you, introduce legislation limiting the size of women’s breasts.
- Start a conversation with her about what a beautiful day it is and ask her if she would like to get a cup of coffee.
You hear an annoying barking dog. What do you do?
- Have photographers film you as you hunt down the poodle with an AK 47 and then have a photo taken of you posing in a Poodle trophy coat.
- Send your chef over to collect it for dinner.
- Turn your hearing aid off and go back to sleep while accusing the dog of being a white supremacist.
- Send your guard with an invitation for a romantic candlelight dinner for two. When the dog declines, you have it arrested and publicly stoned to death.
- Your own annoying voice drowns out the sound of the dog.
- You bring your dog inside.
You have an afternoon to get away from it all. What do you do?
- Quickly remove your shirt and arrange a photo shoot while grumbling about warmongering Ukrainians.
- Celebrate the 114 gold medals you personally received for your participation in the Sochi Winter Olympics.
- Keep napping. When awakened by bad dreams, scream about white supremacists.
- Smoke hash and drink some more black market American whiskey and fantasize about the woman you saw in the bikini.
- Write a speech about the legislation you are drafting to limit breast size.
- Read a Bayard & Holmes book.
You are going to watch any movie or TV show that you want. Which one is it?
- Star Wars. You put on your Darth Vader helmet and practice saying, “Ukraine, I am your father.”
- My Little Pony. You watch fifteen reruns and then declare rainbow colored ponies to be the new national animal.
- It doesn’t matter. You’re going to sleep through it anyway and dream about killing white supremacists.
- Lawrence of Arabia. For the 58th time. Somehow, you’re still shocked, surprised, and angered that Lawrence somehow escapes with his life at the end.
- Godzilla. When it’s over, you write a speech asking the U.N. to outlaw all Japanese monsters.
- You sit down with your family and watch your Disneyland vacation video.
What is your fantasy vacation?
- Winning the Kentucky Derby while riding shirtless on the back of a bear.
- Spending a week in South Korea.
- Taking a long nap anywhere but Zimbabwe.
- Enjoying two weeks in a brothel in Tel Aviv that caters to clientele with special needs.
- Staying a week in Windsor castle while the royal family is away and trying on all their clothes and tiaras.
- A family trip to Belize.
If you scored . . .
5 – 7 You are Vladimir Putin.
You are unashamedly aggressive and love to be in the limelight. You are never as sensitive as you appear to be in photos. You can change your religion, your wife, or your politics in a heartbeat if it suits your ambitions. Put your shirt back on.
8 – 11 You are Kim Jong Un.
You are misunderstood. People accuse you of being paranoid, but it’s not actually paranoia because everyone really does wish you would drop dead. You have plenty of power, but no skill to achieve anything with it. Find a new barbor.
12 – 16 You are Robert Mugabe.
You have become a peaceful person in your old age, but that’s because you can’t stay awake long enough to sustain an argument. Please do Zimbabwe a favor and go back to sleep. Don’t wake up.
17 – 21 You are the Iranian Mullah of the Month.
You suffer from Reality Deficit Disorder. You think you are educated, but that is just the hash talking. Everyone who knows you wants to keep you happy, but only so you won’t torture them and their families. Put down your AK47 and step away from the chickens.
22 – 26 You are New York Mayor Bloomberg.
You are the first percentile, but only in finances. Some of your ideas are impressive, but only when we compare them to the rhetoric of Hugo Chavez. You’ll get our soft drinks when you tear them from our cold, dead hands.