By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes
The Holiday Season is upon us. Soon, life will be a whirlwind of dinner parties and fêtes. We realize that we will be the main topic of discussion for many of our readers at these parties, and we’d like to do our best to help our reputations and yours. We’re proud to bring you the Bayard & Holmes Savoir Faire Consulting Service.
As a recovering boy from the hood and a bellydancing closet redneck, we are more than qualified to assist anyone, even the most long suffering Je N’ais Pas Faire victim, in developing the necessary social savvy and handy fake veneer of sophistication you need to be a smashing success this holiday season.
To help you determine precisely how much coaching you’ll need to maximize your social success while mingling with sophisticates, our intelligent, educated, worldly team of Savoir Faire Savants (us) have developed these questions.
A) You receive a formal invitation for dinner at 8:00 p.m. What do you do?
- You arrive at 8:40 p.m. with a re-gift of the same crystal bird statue the hostess gave you six months before.
- You arrive at 8:00 p.m. with a bottle of wine and flowers.
- You arrive at 7:45 p.m. with no wine or flowers and ignore the hostess while hovering over the oven, waiting for the hors d’oeuvres.
- You arrive empty-handed at 7:15 p.m., compliment the hostess on how great her a$$ looks in her dress, and demand the TV remote and a cold one.
B) When you’re seated at the table, you discover an abundance of silverware at each place setting. How do you react?
- You point out that they have forgotten to include an oyster fork.
- You confidently use the silver in order as each course is served.
- You cautiously wait to see which fork the host and hostess use when so you can mimic them.
- You don’t need their utensils at all because you brought your switchblade.”
C) The hostess’s aged and not-altogether-there grandmother is attending the party in her wheelchair. She attempts a conversation with you, but is having difficulty forming sentences. How do you respond?
- You wrinkle your nose and say, “Mrs. Vanderbilt, I see you’re not on your medication. And why don’t they dress you properly any more? I’ll get the nurse to attend you.”
- You smile and say, “It’s so good to see you. I always think of our last time together and how much fun we had. You’re looking great this evening.”
- You quickly grab the elbow of the unattractive, self-important flirter who regaled you with his tales of grandeur and whisper seductively into his ear, “Oh, Chauncey. You must meet the world’s most important business women.” Then you deposit Chauncey with Mrs. Vanderbilt and escape.
- You pretend to be her caring nurse and roll her outside behind the garage. You leave her there shivering and pleading for mercy as you return to the party.
D) A man in a dreadfully tailored tuxedo with the odor of gin on his breath arrives late to the party. While staring at your chest, he attempts to engage you in a plebian conversation concerning politics. How do you respond?
- You point him to the kitchen and tell him he is late for work.
- You excuse yourself with an urgent but polite tone and seek out conversation elsewhere.
- You look down your nose and ask him, “Is that really your tuxedo or did you steal it off a homeless man?”
- You whisper seductively, “Come closer,” and when he does, you deliver a hard blow to his head with a candlestick.
E) You’re feeling sleepy. What do you do?
- You announce your departure to everyone, explaining that you can’t stay late tonight because you’re expected at Buckingham Palace in the morning.
- You graciously thank your host and hostess for a lovely evening and quietly depart.
- You tell your host you’ve had a bit too much to drink, and ask him if he wouldn’t mind having his wife drive you home.
- You take the host’s 18-yr-old daughter to the guest bedroom and retire for the evening.
Now add up your score for your Savoir Faire Social Quotient.
1 = 1; 2 = 2; 3 = 3; 4 = 4
Score of 4 or less
This is not the proper curriculum for you. You might consider some math tutoring.
Score of 5 – 7
You’re an arrogant, insufferable snob. If anyone is still inviting you to parties at this point in your life, we advise that you decline those invitations. They are probably only inviting you in the hopes of drowning you in the pool as a source of amusement for the rest of the guests.
Score of 8 – 16
You’re the sort of person who could most benefit from our Savoir Faire Consulting Service. Stick with us, and you’ll be at the top of the social list in no time.
Score of 17 – 20
Not all the news is bad. For one thing, there is no need for you to attend our Savoir Faire Consulting Service. You’ll almost never find yourself invited to a party, and if you did, it’s unlikely that the penitentiary where you are serving time would grant you a release to attend. Think of the money you’ll save by not having to upgrade your evening wear.
Now that you have your starting point pinned down, we here at Bayard & Holmes stand ready to assist you with all of your Savoir Faire dilemmas.
I did well on the test especially E that’s a solid 4. Happy Thanksgiving Piper and Jay.
LOL. Happy Thanksgiving, Tom. 🙂 — Piper
Where’s Miss Manners…wait, she’s the lady in the wheelchair, right? *s* This is great! Thanks for the giggles.
You have correctly identified the lady in the wheelchair. 🙂 Glad we could give you a smile. — Piper
Great holiday service… My daughter brought home a loser who whipped out a blade at the dinner table. She always had a thing for fixer uppers. I think he’s doing time now in one of the state’s finest penal institutions.
LOL. That had to make for an interesting meal. I get them impression she is not visiting him in the Big House. 🙂 –Piper
No she isn’t. Might have had something to do with cleaning my gun around him, and telling him. “I have a gun and a shovel and no one will miss you.” Very persuasive from a former prison hostage negotiator.
Hi James. At least we can give some small bit of credit to him for understanding that “gun trumps knife”. It saved you from using the shovel.
What happens if the table is set with Genuine Eighteenth Century Combat Cutlery? : (As in flintlocks built into the handle of your teaspoon, and no I’m not making this up – http://www.douglas-self.com/MUSEUM/COMMS/cutlery/cutlery.htm)
Do you get points for not accidentally shooting your own elbows?
Hello Matthew. What you are suggesting is sick and shameful. Teaspoons with flintlocks? Civilized people carry a modern pistol in a discrete, properly shaped, leather shoulder holster. A nylon shoulder holster is a sign of bad breeding. Let’s please keep up social standards.
I love these
ridiculouseducational and thought-provoking posts.
There’s a bit of a delta between what I know to be correct behavior and what I might practice. How does the Social Savoir Fare Consulting Agency handle impetuous holiday mischief-makers? What? On-site rehab in Colorado?
OK. I scored 4. No. Six. Wait! Eleven. Will 18 get me to rehab? Yes? OK. That’s my score.
I suspect Holmes is the mastermind behind (e). What alternatives does he have for your female readers? I’m not into all female slumber parties. Just sayin…
Hi Gloria. 18? My, my, my… I’m not sure if you are headed for the penitentiary or running for congress. If you use your highly advanced skills to obtain a political career please remember us little people kindly. We do in fact have advanced training teams that handle members of congress and the administration but we require thirty days notice to provide the best service. Get your deposit in early!
Sorry Gloria. I missed your other question. Simply substitute “son” for “daughter”. I mean in literary terms…
Happy Thanksgiving, you two!! May your spatchcocking work well and your gravy runneth over. 🙂
Hi Jenny. I can’t bring myself to say that “s” word in public. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family.
Oh, this is excellent!!!!! How have we survive all these years without your guidance? Love it, but stay away from my 18 year old daughter! hee,hee. Happy Thanksgiving! 🙂
Hi Brickhouse. I promise that your 18 year old would be safe around us. Bored to tears but safe.
Happy Holidays. 🙂
A solid 10. I wonder if your consulting service also covers how to get invited to parties in the first place. We’re all looking for some free eats at other people’s houses during the holidays, right? 😉
Have a lovely holiday season!
Hi Julie. Piper and I have not yet decided to release our trade secrets for getting invited to parties. Since you are a full member of our “Recidivist VIP Club” we automatically give serious consideration to your suggestions. When Piper returns from her working vacation with Peruvian gun runners I will ask her to consider declassifying that file for our readers.
May you and your family have a great holiday season. 🙂
I got an 11… but I’m way too poor for consulting services. Any student discount rates?? Or pro-bono services for a budding social entrepeneur??
Hi Stephanie. We would indeed give a student discount. We love those few people that still value education. Keep studying. Perhaps you might be (or should be) too busy with your university studies to undergo any training with us just now. Perhaps after graduation 😉
I’m catching up here. Hahaha, I have to admit I haven’t been to very many fancy parties. Maybe I could benefit from your consulting service. Fun post.
I am looking forward to applying my social graces during the Christmas season. It is very difficult to maneuver with a drink and a plate; I hope I don’t drop the fudge icing into the punchbowl again.
At least most things are improved by the introduction of chocolate. Let us know how the balancing act goes this year. 🙂 — Piper
Since I will not be attending any parties, this allowed me to enjoy some bad behavior vicariously, and gave me a laugh too! Gracias!!
Our pleasure. Glad we could brighten your day. 🙂
This is funny. I got an 11, so I actually might make use of your consulting service sometime in the future. 🙂
LOL. With a score of 11, I’m sure we would enjoy your questions. 🙂
I scored a 13. Oh my. It was the candlestick and re-directing Chauncey to the old lady that did me in. (In my defense, I thought we were acting out a CLUE game).
Maybe that’s why I’m at home most evenings watching cat videos. 😉 Looks like I’m in desperate need of your services. Fun post!
LOL. I can see how a mystery writer might have interpreted things that way. Glad you enjoyed it. 🙂
I don’t need your services, because I’m too boring for anyone to invite to a party. Plus, I go to bed at 8:30 every night, and my wife would object to being joined by anyone’s 18 year-old daughter.
David, if your dance card isn’t full, it’s only because you don’t choose to dance . . . And who of our generation would want any 18-yr-old around after 8:30 p.m.? 🙂