“America” is not a location. It is the unique ideal that government must answer to the people and not the other way around. Americans are not born. Rather, America itself is born anew with each generation that embraces that ideal and shoulders the responsibility for self-governance. Therefore, as a responsible American . . .
I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President.
Your Next Commander in Chief, Piper Bayard
I don’t know about you folks, but I’m pretty disappointed in the current presidential frontrunners.
It’s always been my contention that if you’re going to complain about how someone does their job, then you’d better be ready to get off your duff and do it yourself. So I will. Yes. I’ll run for president.
Know up front that I refuse to affiliate with any political party. Ultimately, they are all more loyal to themselves than to the American people. The only party I will be a part of as your president is the Inaugural Ball. And since I am a dancer, I would be happy to provide the entertainment for that event in order to save you, the taxpayers, money.
As for my campaign, I am not asking for your money. I’m guessing in this economy, you need it. So how will I run? Social media. If Facebook and Twitter can make Betty White an icon among today’s teenagers, it can get me to the White House.
Also, as your president, I won’t spend your millions on my family vacations, and I will continue to shop the clearance sales at Eddie Bauer and Dillard’s. I won’t even take the silver and furniture from the White House with me when I leave. That’s been done.
Along those lines, I will also not redecorate the White House with your money — unless I find some gaudy animal print lurking in an obscure corner. That will have to go.
The pillars of my platform are personal responsibility, rooting out of corruption, and a good smack upside the head for all whiners who won’t shut up and get busy making this world a better place.
So let’s get the touchy stuff out of the way, shall we?
One branch of my family ran another branch of my family down the Trail of Tears, and a third branch married them when they got to the end. That makes my ethnicity unhyphenated American. Check my census form. You’ll find it written there . . . Really.
I was born female. I’m still female. I couldn’t care less how anyone else interprets or manages their privates. That’s why they’re called “privates.”
Baseball. Baseball is a forward-looking religion with no dogma and lots of hope. We adherents know that, with the last swing of the bat at the end of the season, spring training is just around the corner. People of all faiths are welcome at baseball games as long as they behave and treat their neighbors with respect. If they don’t behave, they will be relocated near the bullpen to be used as targets for pitcher warmups.
Yes. I have one. It is extensive and colorful. I learned a great deal because the person who is the same at 52 as they are at 22 has wasted 30 years. I’ve made exceptional use of my time. Keep in mind that great things grow in dirt and manure.
As an added bonus, I’m happy to provide you with any and all birth certificates, school records, and fake IDs.
And no, I’ve never kept a private server. But don’t worry. The NSA provides government personnel with cool high tech phones that not only come with effective encryption, but also with a feature that lets you switch back and forth between government and private business in mere seconds.
Yes. I have one of those, too. It ranges from small towns to urban centers, and from the bread and cheese line to law school. In other words, I’ve got both papers and street cred. I’d say “I feel your pain,” but that one’s also been done.
I am not for sale to banks. I do not borrow money from the Chinese to give to my enemies. My retirement plan is not a Ponzi scheme, and to the best of my knowledge, I have successfully prevented trespassers from living in my home. That puts me ahead of our collective government right there. And no. I have never been president of my local PTA. However, I do manage a successful kingdom on a virtual reality game.
My stand on abortion:
I fully support retroactive abortion for all jihadis and skumbag phone solicitors. However, I favor rehabilitation for any honest phone solicitors who are just trying to make a living like the rest of us.
My stand on gun control:
I am 100% in favor of controlling guns. Aim and make every shot count.
My Vice President:
To save on the Secret Service budget, I will continue the time honored tradition of choosing a vice president who virtually no one would want to see in the Oval Office.
Best “life insurance policies” any presidents ever had.
I don’t give a rat’s touchas about anyone’s race, religion, species, etc. I only care if they are best qualified for the job. I will not sell out my country by pandering to special snowflake organizations and appointing their love children to positions of influence.
My writing partner, “Jay Holmes,” will be my Secretary of Defense. As a 40-year veteran field spook and senior member of the intelligence community, he has the experience and the moxie for the job. And he, like me, loves America more than he loves corporations, power, or money.
Since Holmes can’t be identified, I will stand up a cardboard cutout of George Washington at meetings. Never hurts to have a little Founding Father action in the government process. Holmes will still be in the room, but no one will know if he is the guy in the general’s chair or the guy serving the sandwiches.
Yes. Sandwiches. Refer back to my stand on expenses. They can be paninis, but no steak and lobster bisque at the taxpayers’ expense unless we are hosting foreign dignitaries.
And as for Congress . . .
While I am president, Congress shall make no law that excludes itself. “Leaders” who are not subject to the laws they make are not leaders, they are rulers. There is no place for rulers in America.
Any Representative or Senator who demonstrates behavioral issues stemming from ruler fantasies will be sent to the Slapping Medicine Man.
As your president, my first and only loyalty will be to you, my fellow Americans. I have no other mission or interest but to strengthen this country and her people. So let’s all come together and prove that America really is still a country by the people, and for the people, and that our presidency does not simply go to the highest bidder. Tweet, blog, Facebook . . . Hey. It happened for Betty White.
You will find my stand on the issues below. I now open the floor to your comments and questions. One at a time, please. No pushing or name calling in the comments, and don’t say anything you can’t say in front of your mother.
Piper for President —
Doesn’t Take Crap. Doesn’t Dish it Out.
My Stand on the Issues
For decades, America has been Simba the Lion masquerading as Pumbaa the Warthog in an effort to “win hearts and minds.” No one respects a lion pretending to be a warthog. America is the most powerful nation the world has ever known. We need to own our strength unapologetically and to behave with dignity and integrity. The hearts and minds will follow. America is a lion with claws, teeth, and courage. It is not a dancing, singing, farting warthog.
The Iran Deal
I swore off Bad Boyfriends before I was old enough to vote. I know what I’m looking at . . . “Ah, baby, come on. I didn’t mean anything with that ‘Death to America’ chant.”
Here’s the “Deal,” Iran. No country whose leaders conduct “Death to America” rallies gets a nuke. My “red line” will not be a dull pink smudge.
“The older I get, the more I like cruise missiles.” ~ Jay Holmes
Refer to “Foreign Policy” paragraph above. As you have had your way upon the Kurds, Christians, Yazidis, and other, so will Holmes and his ilk have their way with you. While we can never obliterate you and your ilk from the face of the earth any more than we can obliterate human insanity from the collective psyche, we can certainly divest you of your territories and minimize you until even your mother doesn’t remember who you are. There will be no half measures. Holmes is coming for you, and Hell is coming with him.
Two Part Long Term Middle East Policy
July 4 is Independence Day. It isn’t Independence As Long As It’s Convenient Day. As long as we need the Middle East, and oil in general, we will continue to pay for that dependence in blood and billions. We need to develop alternative energy sources to stand on our own two energy feet. Our blood and money must not continue being a life support system for an oil industry.
There is huge gender disparity throughout the Middle East. The result is a bunch of rutting bucks who have to kill themselves to get laid by something approximating a woman.
Since the Middle East has a dearth of women and an overabundance of men, and Latin American countries have more women than men, I would recruit Latinas to relocate. They would have an excellent mellowing influence on those high strung revolutionaries, and they would foster some fantastic fusion restaurants. See How Latinas Can End Jihad.
Vlady, the KGB in your eyes had damn sure better spot the USA in mine.
Tax cuts and cookies for corporations that keep their jobs in America. No tax cuts or cookies for corporations that only keep their paperwork in America.
America is our home. I will show the utmost hospitality to those who ring our bell and are willing to wipe the dirt off their feet before they enter. Trespassers will not be welcomed with open arms and open wallets.
However, it shouldn’t be harder to get into the country legally than spending your life savings on a coyote who rapes you as a prelude to a Death March through a desert, only to find that the multi-billion dollar corporation that lured you with promises of a McMansion and a 40 hour work week is in reality your new master renting you a $1500/month trailer with a leaky roof and no plumbing next to the chicken factory where your slave labor will leave you with hands so damaged inside of three years that you’ll never hold another job. Legal entry should not be a Corruption Obstacle Course.
You will be the first candidate ever elected after throwing a chair at a debate.
LOL. I would never do that. Chair throwing is so “Jerry Springer.”
A lot of people think that until they get close enough to politicians.
You’ve got me there. 🙂
I love this. You certainly have more common sense than the majority of our current government officials. You have my support,
Thank you! I appreciate your support. Please remember that if you register to vote in Chicago, you’ll be able to vote for me as often as you like, particularly if you pretend to be either dead or a farm animal.
Hahaha. I may throw a few from illegal immigrants in there too. 🙂
I think that’s in every state. 🙂
I love this line: “the person who is the same at 52 as they are at 22 has wasted 30 years.” AMEN!
I would like to know your position on executive orders. It seems like presidents have been playing fast and loose with those lately.
Oh, and does my Bayard-Lamb T-shirt need to be updated for 2016?
Executive orders should never be used as an end run around Congress. Their traditional purpose is to implement legislation that Congress has passed. The only executive orders I will issue as an end run around Congress will involve ends, as in an executive order that no one shall appear in front of the Executive without pulling up their pants.
As for the t-shirt, we definitely need an update. Thinking about “Twice the Girl Parts.”
Thank you for your support!
Donald Trump- He makes me laugh every day. I`m going to miss him.
I will be happy to miss him.
Got my vote. It’s about time we had a belly dancing president other than James K. Polk.
Thank you, Perry! I appreciate your support. 🙂
You had me until you announced your religion. In good conscience I can only vote for those who follow the one true religion: Football. In particular, Green Bay Packer football. (I can safely say that now that Walker dropped out). If only you would convert, I would gladly done my Cheesehead and march my Patriotic Panty clad rearend down to the polls and pull the lever in your favor.
No conversions here, but I won’t ask you to convert, either, which puts me ahead of all political parties and pretty much all other religions. However, I would definitely love to share a platter of cheese with you and all Football adherents. I have a great appreciation and respect for your religious holiday — the Superbowl — as it allows me to have ski slopes, shopping centers, and restaurants (except sports bars) all to myself for the day. 🙂
PS: Are you sure we aren’t dancing, singing, farting warthogs? Pretty sure that’s who keeps showing up to the debates.
PPS: Where do I get my t-shirt?
That does seem to be the case, doesn’t it? *deep sigh* I’ll let you know if we come out with a t-shirt this time around. 🙂