Bayard & Holmes
~ Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes
The Holiday Season is upon us, and life is a whirlwind of dinner parties and fetes. We realize that we are the main topic of discussion for many of our readers at these parties, and we’d like to do our best to help our reputations and yours. We’re proud to bring you the Bayard & Holmes Savoir Faire Consulting Service. 
As a recovering boy from the hood and a bellydancing closet redneck, we are more than qualified to assist anyone, even the most long suffering Je N’ais Pas Faire victim, in developing the necessary social savvy and handy fake veneer of sophistication.
To help you determine precisely how much coaching you’ll need to maximize your social success while mingling with sophisticates, our intelligent, educated, worldly team of Savoir Faire Savants (us) have developed these questions.
A) You receive a formal invitation for dinner at 8:00 p.m. What do you do?
- You arrive at 8:40 p.m. with a re-gift of the same crystal bird statue the hostess gave you six months before.
- You arrive at 8:00 p.m. with a bottle of wine and flowers.
- You arrive at 7:45 with no wine or flowers and ignore the hostess while hovering over the oven, waiting for the hors d’oeuvres.
- You arrive empty-handed at 7:15, compliment the hostess on how great her a$$ looks in her dress, and demand the TV remote and a cold one.
B) When you’re seated at the table, you discover an abundance of silverware at each place setting. How do you react?
- You point out that they have forgotten to include an oyster fork.
- You confidently use the silver in order as each course is served.
- You cautiously wait to see which fork the host and hostess use when, and then you mimic them.
- I don’t need their utensils. I brought my switchblade.
C) The hostess’s aged and not-altogether-there grandmother is attending the party in her wheelchair. She attempts a conversation with you but is having difficulty forming sentences. How do you respond?
- Mrs. Vanderbilt, I see you’re not on your medication. And why don’t they dress you properly any more? I’ll get the nurse to attend you.
- It’s so good to see you. I always think of our last time together and how much fun we had. You’re looking great this evening.
- You quickly grab the elbow of the unattractive, self-important flirter who regaled you with his tales of grandeur and whisper seductively into his ear, “Oh, Chauncey. You must meet the world’s most important business women.” Then you deposit Chauncey with Mrs. Vanderbilt and escape.
- You pretend to be her caring nurse and roll her outside behind the garage. You leave her there shivering and pleading for mercy as you return to the party.
D) A man in a dreadful tuxedo with the odor of gin on his breath arrives late to the party. While staring at your chest, he attempts to engage you in a plebeian conversation concerning politics. How do you respond?
- 1. You point him to the kitchen and tell him he is late for work.
- You excuse yourself with an urgent but polite tone and seek out conversation elsewhere.
- You look down your nose and ask him, “Is that really your tuxedo or did you steal it off a homeless man?”
- You whisper seductively, “Come closer,” and when he does, you deliver a hard blow to his head with a candlestick.
E) You’re feeling sleepy. What do you do?
- You announce your departure to everyone, explaining that you can’t stay late tonight because you’re expected at Buckingham Palace in the morning.
- You graciously thank your host and hostess for a lovely evening and quietly depart.
- You tell your host you’ve had a bit too much to drink, and ask him if he wouldn’t mind having his wife drive you home.
- You take the host’s 18-yr-old daughter to the guest bedroom and retire for the evening.
Now add up your score for your Savoir Faire Social Quotient.
1 = 1; 2 = 2; 3 = 3; 4 = 4
Score of 4 or less
This is not the proper curriculum for you. You might consider some math tutoring.
Score of 5 – 7
You’re an arrogant, insufferable snob. If anyone is still inviting you to parties at this point in your life, we advise that you decline those invitations. They are probably only inviting you in the hopes of drowning you in the pool as a source of amusement for the rest of the guests.
Score of 8 – 16
You’re the sort of person who could most benefit from our Savoir Faire Consulting Service. Stick with us, and you’ll be at the top of the social list in no time.
Score of 17 – 20
Not all the news is bad. For one thing, there is no need for you to attend our Savoir Faire Consulting Service. You’ll almost never find yourself invited to a party, and if you did, it’s unlikely that the penitentiary where you are serving time would grant you a release to attend. Think of the money you’ll save by not having to upgrade your evening wear. Now that you have your starting point pinned down, we here at Bayard & Holmes stand ready to assist you with all of your Savoir Faire dilemmas.
While I am flattered that you have used me in your example, I feel I must set the record straight.
I didn’t say that the hostess’s a$$ looked nice, I told her she was FINE, and I got my own drink. I know where the bar is. I’m not a heathen.
And, Ms. Bayard, please don’t pawn Mrs. Vanderbilt off on me like that again. I think she WAS off her medications, and she stole my switchblade!
Hoping to see you at Jay Rock IV‘s Christmas party. Please give my best to Mr. Holmes.
Fondly,
Chauncey
Hi Chauncey. Due to a scheduling conflict We won’t be able to attend the Jay Rock person’s Christmas party. We are contracted to teach the Secret Service Presidential Protection team how to behave while traveling and it’s turning out to be quite the challenge.
Please do enjoy a wonderful and perhaps somewhat sober holiday season. 😉
I got a 10 to 14 (depends on my mood that evening) LOL!!
Now…what do you do when the hostess husband just won’t stop flirting with you shamelessly in front of his wife? I mean…I am one hot mama and I can’t seem to shake them off no matter how cold and unaffectionate I am. I fear my gal pals will stop inviting me because they fear I am hussy who’s going to steal their man…I swear, I am innocent!
I need a fool proof, and discreet way, to knock these suckers out!
ROFL!!
Hi Natelie. We suggest that you carry our Emergency Service number with you so that we can dispatch a spanking Santa Team to handle the offending slobs while you observe innocently from a safe distance. Have your camera ready. A picture will forever be worth more than a thousand words when dealing with those particular offenders.
Have a great Holiday season.
Got an 18. E put me over the top. This doesn’t mean I hit on 18 year olds, but any port in a storm
Hi Tomwisk. We’ll put in a good word with the parole board. With the looming budget cuts they’ll be anxious to release all of their non-violent inmates. The fact that you read and write should put you at the head of the line for an early release. Tell the board that you have a job waiting with one of our Spanking Santa teams.
We’ll see if we can’t help make this Christmas a little happier for you by having your name added to the White House guest list.
Thanks, always wanted to meet Dubya.
We’ll need to talk a bit after your release. A few things have changed.
I don’t know what my score is — but I will say I am never on time to a party. We are always about 15 minutes late. That gives the hostess time to get her lipstick on and fix her hair. 😉 Awesome post. WHy don’t you do these for magazines. So funny!
Hello Renee. Thank You. 15 minutes is fashionable. Piper might be posting it at the “Social” network.
May you and your family have a great Holiday season
I got 11 but I really like D4. That was so much fun!
Hi Catherine. We can’t fault you for enjoying D-4. It sounds like you’re the perfect Bayard and Holmes student. When not entertaining you could help whack a few bad-guys.
I got 12. This doesn’t surprise me because I usually think of rude things to say and do on the drive to the party.
Hi Catie. Well at least you show up prepared.
Don’t you all carry a switchblade or is that a Colorado/Wisconsin thing? 🙂
Hi Susie. I’ve been to a few parties where switchblades were appropriate but those types of parties are work. I hope to not attend any during the holidays.
Me either, but I have one on my key chain, just in case… 🙂
I got 14, but I have a slight quibble with D4. I prefer a nice solid elbow strike to the face. No fingerprints or blood/hair residue left on the candlestick, and I can pretend he tripped and hit his face when he fell. Ah, the simple joys of the festive season!
Hi Diane. Your input is valid but we have to consider that some of our students are not well versed in the elbow strike technique.
It seems that question D has really put folks in the holiday spirit.
I am quite the lovely guest, as my score was a nice solid 10. However, if someone were to listen to my internal dialogue during certain parties, I might be given either a hearty slap or a bit on SNL. A running commentary laced with hefty doses of sarcasm has kept me going through several social affairs.
Hi Julie. Being able to nor share all your thoughts is a marvelous trait.
Have a great holiday.
I got a 13, mostly because I’d steer Chauncey over to the old lady, and use the candlestick on Tuxedo Guy – and I wouldn’t be hitting him over the head, either. There’s a place where a candlestick fits better on folks like that. 😉
HI KB. As to the candlestick we suggest that to make things easier you go ahead and strike a hard blow to his head with first. It will make anything else that you do to him with the candlestick easier to accomplish.
Happy holidays to you and your loved ones.
Like Julie, I scored a 10. I could have possible been a bit ruder in many of the situations, but I answered accordingly with what was provided. LOL
Hi Tiffany. That picture of you with the wineglass makes me think you enjoy being invited to parties, Your score will help you keep those invitations coming.
Happy holidays.